The lighter Side – ‘No Ball’ gate

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

 

Suraj Randiv denied Virender Sehwag a century by allegedly deliberately bowling a no-ball when only one run was required for victory. This has sparked off a wide-spread debate in cricketing circles regarding his conduct. It has emerged that the captain Kumar Sangakkara and all-rounder Tillakaratne Dilshan might have had a hand to play in this decision.

 

The stump microphone has picked up a voice in Sinhalese saying, ‘only one run remains.’ This was initially suspected to be the captain Sangakkara but it is now emerging that it could well be Dilshan who spoke those words. The confusion seems to arise from the fact there it was a no-ball. Our cricket expert, says that this has been blown out of proportion. He argues, ‘ if it was a not a ball, then what was it?’ When we enquired further, he muttered something about a no-ball not being a ball at all.

 

Dilshan, when asked, pleaded innocence. He said that he was being quoted out of context. Said he, ‘ I’m preparing for my GRE this year and Sanga helps me out with the math. He asked me this question before the match that if he had 100 runs and he took 99 away, how many would he have. I was busy concentrating during the entire match but it was at that unfortunate moment that I got the solution and replied that only one run remains.’

 

When asked, Randiv pleaded innocence by saying that he was only trying to help the Indians. After all, since only one run was remaining and the Indians had worked that hard already, it was his obligation to make the win easier for them. Also, he said that he was really confused as to whether he should indeed bowl. After all, whenever he asked anyone for the ball, they all said ‘no-ball.’

 

Meanwhile, the Sri Lankan cricket board has decided to launch a full-scale investigation into this issue by getting the official ‘uncensored’ version of the tapes from the broadcasters. Naturally, these will not be available on youTube.

 

When asked about Sri Lanka losing their ‘Spirit of Cricket’ award, Arjuna Ranatunga said that it was very important for Sri Lanka but was not too perturbed about losing it. ‘While the award will be good, we already have Sanath in our team; he is so old that in cricketing terms, he comes closest to a ‘spirit of cricket’‘.

 

 

Cheers

 

 

 

The ligher side – This week in sport : Ep.2

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

India’s dismal show

Cadiz accuse Spanish football of being fixed

Usain Bolt is beaten

Manchester United sign an unknown

England beat Hungary

Indian Hockey

…and of course

The commonwealth games

 

India’s dismal show

The tri-series featuring India, Sri Lanka and New Zeland got underway with an under-strength New Zeland side taking on a much-fancied Indian team. The Indians were expected to be too strong for a Kiwi side that was missing the likes of skipper Vettori, and senior players like Brendon McCullum and Jesse Ryder. What ensued was a complete turn up for the books with India getting all-out for 88 runs, losing by a whopping 200 runs. Speaking after the match, coach Kirsten was a bit worried about the display but brushed it off as a one-off. ‘Besides’, he was heard saying, ‘Sachin will make up for those 200 runs.’ When quizzed about this dismal performance, our cricket expert said that it was all in brotherly spirit, now that Independence-day was coming up. ‘After all’, he said, ‘when the number one ranked team in ODIs can get all out for 88 in a test match, as a neighbor, it is our duty to emulate Pakistan’s feat and hence it’s only fair that the number one ranked team in Tests should get all out for 88 in an ODI.’

Meanwhile, Yuvraj Singh made an excellent claim for a place in the test side with a 50-ball 5. Unfortunately, he was playing a One Day international. When asked about this, he nonchalantly waved it off saying ‘The selectors of the ODI and test team are the same.’

 

Cadiz accuse Spanish football of being fixed

The Spanish football federation have opened a private investigation into accusations of match-fixing last season after Cadiz, who were relegated to the third tier of Spanish football accused their rivals of match fixing. When approached, a club official said that there were a couple of teams he was doubtful about. A club source (who does not wish to be named) had this to say, ‘We strongly suspect 2 teams. Barcelona and Real Madrid. I mean, look at the results! They were clearly winning against all the teams in the second division. Something is wrong. Even though we are inferior in terms of quality, there is no way that we can be beaten by Real and Barca numerous times.’ The Spanish football federation is rumored to have issued a directive tot Real and Barca not to win so many matches.

 

Usain Bolt is beaten

Olympic champion and world record holder, Usain Bolt, the fastest man on the planet was beaten for only the second time in his professional career in a 100 meter race. The previous time had been against a Ferrari F1 car. Speaking about this loss, he said, ‘This is a non-competition year. So whoever wants to beat me, better do so this year.’ Clearly, he does not view the Commonwealth games as ‘competition.’ He added,’ I’ll be back’ in terminator style. Unfortunately, his back is injured and it can be safely said that he won’t be back anytime soon. In fact, he has ruled himself out of all competition this season. A small note on his conqueror; Tyson Gay, who beat Bolt was, needless to say, happy.

 

Manchester United sign an unknown

Manchester United, this week, signed an absolute unknown, Tiago Manuel Dias Corrieia, nicknamed Bebe. This is remarkable because less than a year ago, Bebe was playing in the ‘homeless world cup’ in South Africa. He was picked literally from the streets. When approached, Bebe was still in dreamland. When he was asked about the experience of going from playing in the third tier of Portuguese football to playing for one of the biggest clubs in the world, he had one word to say, ‘Inception.’ Clever really, because after all, he is going to play at Manchester United’s Old Trafford stadium commonly called the Theatre of Dreams.

On a related story, on the day the signing was announced, the Manchester United website recorded an increase of a fifty thousand hits from India alone. Upon investigation, it was found that an over-zealous news channel, in their hurry to publish the news first, had published it with a slight spelling mistake. Bebe was spelt Bebo. Clearly, many Indians want to watch a size zero, red jersey flaunting actress.

 

England beat Hungary

After a dismal world cup campaign, a new look England team took to the field against Hungary at Wembley. Many pundits questioned the organizing of a friendly so close to the start of the new Premier League season, which kicks off this weekend. To this, the English FA authorities said that it was a strategic move. They were quoted as saying that a friendly against Hungary would only make the players more hungry for success in the upcoming season.

In a pre-match conference, England captain, Steven Gerrard said that if he were an England fan, he’d boo the team too, after the lacklusture performance in the world Cup in South Africa. While some questioned this candid remark, other pundits hail it as an excellently clever move. They felt that, in spite of his poor showing, Rooney is still England’s main player and that the ‘boo’s would actually sound like ‘roo’s  and serve to galvanize him. Boo or Roo, there will be no vuu as the vuvuzelas were banned at Wembley for the game.

 

Indian Hockey

After almost a 2 year standoff, the 2 bodies of hockey in India, Hockey India (HI) and the Indian Hockey Federation (IHF) began the process of merging together. It may be noted that HI, which held its presidential elections last week, was officially disbanded shortly after. However, the Federation of International Hockey (FIH) threatened to ban India from further tournaments until the mess was sorted out. Hence this coming together. The IHF has taken the first step by merging with the Women’s Hockey Federation, which was a pre-requisite for the official recognition. Yet, there are problems still to come with the question of who are to be the office bearers of this merged federation. Vidya Stokes, the recently elected president of the now disbanded HI has apparently staked a claim to the chair. Her argument is that since she’s 82, she’s the only one to have seen all of India’s Olympic triumphs. K.P.S Gill, however, smells something fishy, and is apparently using his political muscle to take control of this new federation. Whether the fusion happens or not, there, there is certain to be a lot of confusion in the days to come.

 

…and of course

The commonwealth games

The mess surrounding the Commonwealth Games (CWG) seems to getting more and more, well, messy. The latest charges of corruption have been raised against the big three – Suresh Kalmadi, Mike Fennel and Mike Cooper. The handing of the contract to AM Films has been called into question. It has been shown that this has led to expenses over and above required to the tune of nearly INR 10 crore. The other scam surfacing has been that regarding the payments to the company Fasttrack, which have led to losses of INR 25 crore.

When approached, Mr. Kalmadi remained calm and had this to say, ‘I expected Mr. Fennel to funnel out the right from the wrong but he has let me down. Regarding the use of Fasttrack’s services, we were short of time and thought we might speed up operations.’ When asked about his alleged involvement in the many scams, Mr.Kalmadi refused to comment but shortly after, our sources have learnt that he received a crash course in scam management from the Hon. Minister of telecom, Mr. A.Raja. This is true parliamentary brotherhood.

In other news, the Delhi Chief Minister, Ms. Sheila Dixit, has given the organizing committee until the 31st of August to clear out the rubble. Because of the extreme short notice, there is talk of the Flintstones being employed for this special job. When asked if the venues would be ready in time, she said that she was confident as this was the month of Ramzan and that she expected people to work fast.

In related news, the stock of Pidilite, the makers of the popular adhesive, Dr.Fixit has shot up. This is because rumor has it that it’s being used to fix the leaks in the leaking Jawaharlal Stadium.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

 

The lighter Side – This week in sport : Ep.1

Welcome to the first edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

The Hungarian GP

The India-Sri Lanka test

Tiger’s comeback

A-Rod’s home run

Hockey India’s presidential election

The Commonwealth games

 

The Hungarian GP

Mark Webber’s victory at the Hungaroring ensured that he went atop the driver’s standings and McLaren were toppled by Red Bull at the top of the constructor’s standings. Webber, later admitted that he was fortuitous with Vettel’s drive thru penalty but added that it was he who won at the end of the day. When asked about being number two, and about the entire front wing controversy, he shrugged it off saying ‘Red Bull gives you wings, even if, sometimes, they are not the latest.’

Meanwhile Michael Schumacher and ex-teammate Rubens Barichello were involved in a li’l bit of argy-bargy. Only, the argy was missing but the barging was done by Schumi. Speaking later on, Schumi admitted his mistake but added that he was merely jostling for track position. He also added that at the back of his mind, he thought that he was still at Ferrari and was wondering as to why team, ahem, orders weren’t called in. It must have been Rubens’ calling Schumacher ‘Schumi’ that the German must have probably mistaken to be ‘shoo-me’, and duly obliged.

 

The India Sri Lanka test

The much awaited third test begun in earnest this week with the sides, completely unfamiliar with each other (due to the lack of cricket between the two nations in the recent past). The build up to the game was marred with injuries to key players to both sides, the left and the right.

Yuvraj Singh was fit again but Raina, the centurion in the previous test was preferred to him. When questioned, Dhoni defended his decision by saying that Raina had proved himself in the extremely testing conditions in the previous test where batting was ‘difficult’. Yuvi meanwhile, was involved in ‘the waterboy’ controversy where someone was accused of calling him one. Yuvraj has so far declined to comment but we learn through reliable sources that Adam Sandler is not amused. On questioned about why the ‘waterboy’ claims might have come in, our cricket expert says that it might have something to do with Yuvi’s ‘pot’ belly.

Sri Lanka, meanwhile, have reacalled Slinga-Malinga to their lineup and have retained last test match’s double centurion, Suraj Randiv.

 

Tiger’s comeback

In spite of the nature of the headline, it is not one of Tiger’s mistresses’ calling him out to come back. Tiger Woods makes a comeback at the Firestone invitational. Previously unbeatable at the venue, Tiger has had a dismal opening round of 4 over par and trails the leader by nine strokes. When asked about his performance, he said that he was yet to peak and that the birds, er, birdies distracted him. When asked what he felt about his number one ranking hanging by a thread, Tiger responded by saying that rankings were immaterial. It was the ‘game’ that counted. Tiger is also seen sporting a new French beard, which raises suspicion of the new French bird in his life. Asked about his meanders, Tiger mistook it to mean his personal life and stormed out of his conference, presumably to go back to the Woods (yes, that is the hotel he stays at.)

 

A-Rod’s home run

Alex Rodriguez scored the 600th home  run of his career this past week and becomes the youngest man to do so. When asked about his success, he patted his bat and said ‘a rod’. He takes the record of being the youngest to 600 homers from Babe Ruth. When we went around the streets of India and asked what people felt about this achievement, we got replies such as ‘why run home 600 times’ and ‘600 Homer Simpsons? D-oh!’. Clearly baseball has a long way to go in this country.

 

Hockey India’s presidential election

Hockey India’s presidential elections finally took place this week with the 82 year old Vidya Stokes triumphing over former India captain, Pargat Singh. Pragat paid the penalty for underestimating Stokes. In the aftermath of the elections, the opposition cried foul. One of their main allegations was that MsStokes used the slogan ‘Chak De india’ in her campaign while secretly ‘Cheque de’ing money to rig the elections. Also on the opposition’s agenda was the fact that the ruling party, the Congress had rigged the election because of Ms.Stokes’ uncanny resemblance to a certain Ms. I.Gandhi. This theory, however, was soon disbanded when , hours after the election, The Ms.Stokes led Hockey India was officially derecognized by the govt.

 

The Commonwealth games

In what is being acknowledged as the worst organized even ever in the history of India, the commonwealth games’ Organizing Committee or OC has been slapped with charges of misappropriation and unwanted expenditure. The man at the eye of the storm, Mr. Suresh Kalmadi seems unperturbed by it all, though. It has come to the notice of the press that toilet rolls have been purchased at Rs.4000 a roll. When asked to comment on this, Mr.Kalmadi simply said that it was a baseless allegation and that the press must get their facts right. The Govt meanwhile has promised to get to the ‘bottom’ of the toilet paper controversy. When asked about a tread mill being hired for one million Rupees, Mr.Kalmadi did deny the allegation but mumbled something about asking Usain Bolt to come and run on it. Meanwhile, the Nehru stadium that will host the opening and closing ceremonies, was found to be leaking. When asked about it, Mr.Kalmadi blamed WikiLeaks and also said that Dr.FixIt was being employed.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

 

 

Cheers