The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 10

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly-once-in-a-while review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

Dada is back
The IPL rolls on
Man United and Barca
Saina-Gopi
Man City

 

Dada is back

Sourav Ganguly fans rejoiced as they saw Dada in action again. Only this time, he turned out in the colors of the Pune Warriors. He stroked a fluent 32* in his first game back against the Deccan Chargers. Fans all over India were heralding the return of the charismatic ex-captain and were hailing it as a new dawn in Indian cricket. Said one supporter, ‘this is truly a new leaf in the book of Indian cricket. Dada has moved to Pune and has shown that moving all over India is now simple and easy. He has proved once again that India is becoming like Pakistan. Retired players are coming back to play and then going back into retirement. All he has to do is get a ban and soon he will be offered honorary Pakistani citizenship because he has almost fulfilled all the criteria to be a Pakistani player. He has also been a captain. We would like to wish Dada all the very best!’

When asked on how it felt to be part of the Pune franchise, Dada replied, ‘well, it’s not really that different. When I was in KKR, the first season, we played in a black jersey. Now I am in Pune and playing in a black jersey. When I played for KKR, we were at or near the bottom of the league. And now Pune are near the bottom of the league. The only difference is that Shah Rukh Khan is not here. But that is ok. Now that, from Kolkata, the King is gone, the King is Khan’, he said, clearly in his self-modesty mode. With the left being walloped by the Trinamool congress, there is talk of Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee following Dada to Pune and contesting for re-election.

 

The IPL rolls on

After an exhilarating world cup, the cricket just does not seem to stop. The IPL juggernaut continues to roll on with exxxxttraaaa innings, more exxxxtraaaaaa innings and even more exxxxxtraaaa innings. When asked about the naming convention, the head of Sony said, ‘see, we are very committed to the promotion of traditional values in cricket. Even though the IPL is a T20 tournament, by giving extra innings, we are promoting test match culture. Also, we promote viewership of technically correct batting by placing the likes of Arun Lal and Navjot Sidhu on the screen. They were technically sound batsmen on their day.’ When asked what about when it was not their day, he responded, ‘they were batsman.’ Insightful.

Chris has whipped up a gale in the IPL storming to the leaderboard of the orange cap standings. With hitting prowess as this, other teams have been left pulling their hair out at missing out on signing him for a measly $400,000. When asked, Gayle said, ‘Ya mon! Those men did not buy me but here I am in Bengaluru. I’m royal, mon! I just want to hit the ball and I am hitting the ball very well mon! I also like that flashy orange cap, mon. That’s why I’m scoring this way.’ Indian captain M.S Dhoni seems to have discovered his brutal streak once again. When quizzed, he said, ‘well of course.’ Typical.

On a side note, Sreesanth seems to have developed a thought that he is the best batsman in the league. ‘I have orange cap’, he said, referring to the Kochi Tusker’s cap color, and continued, ‘but in that cap purple color is also there. So I am best bowler also. I am best all-rounder. I will win Kerala election’, he said and wheeled off in a dance of triumph.

 

Man United and Barca

Manchester United have all but wrapped up their record 19th title with a win over reigning champions Chelsea. United only need one point out of their remaining two games to secure yet another title for Sir Alex Fergusson. ‘We knocked them off their perch’, read many a tweet, the ‘perch’ was apparently very clever since it was used on twitter with all the birds and all that. ‘Whoa! I’m gonna be a champion for the first time! Proud of myself. Awesome! I am epic! Wow! Awesome! They couldn’t have done it without me’, tweeted Michael Owen, whose chief job these days seems to be that of a cheerleader on twitter.

Barcelona have sown up their third successive title with a 1-1 draw in midweek. The players were expectedly ecstatic and partied hard into the night. Pep Guarliola sipped wine and threatened to quit in mental exhaustion. Lionel Messi kept running around between the other players shouting, ‘Goal!’. Dani Alves kept running up and down in straight lines. Puyol could not see anything through his mop of hair. Iniesta shied away. Mascherano did not know what to do. Xavi kept possession of the ball.

Sergio Busquets fell to the ground clutching his face.

 

Saina-Gopi


After months of speculation, it seems that a formal split is on the cards between World number 4, Saina Nehwal and long-time mentor and coach, Pullela Gopichand. Gopichand has revealed that Saina has written to the Sports Authority of India (SAI) that she wanted to train under P. Bhaskar Babu, a coach of the national team.

‘It is only a rumor. I have no problems with Gopi sir’, said Saina. Gopi said, ‘I don’t really have a problem with that. She has written to SAI, that she wants to work with Babu. I have heard that she was an ardent admirer of Sai Baba and now that he is no more, she wants to continue with SAI Babu. It is a purely emotional decision and I cannot help it. But, I have been approached by Sania to coach her. Apparently, Sania is tired of tennis because the racquet is very heavy and wants to take up badminton. Also, the Shuttle Federation’s new rule of wearing skirts seems to appeal greatly to Sania. She is very interested in taking up the sport and I am sure she will be a great success. Also, it won’t make much of a difference to me because ‘Saina’ and ‘Sania’ are anagrams.’


Man City


Facing a major PR disaster, Manchester City have come out and apologized to their hardcore fans about The Bluffer’s guide to MCFC that they published on their site. The page is an entry into the world of Man City for the new fans who according to the club ‘will start following the club now that there is champions league football.’ The old faithful are enraged about this document and feel that it is an insult to the existing supporters. ‘How dare they insult us this way? Do they think that they are being clever? How dare they say that “traditionally we don’t like red as a color?” This is an outrage. In fact, even outrage is generally represented in red to show the anger! They think that they are improving the marketing and branding when all they are doing is improving the … wait that did not come out right. They think they are being very clever by getting more people to support the club when they are clearly going to have more sup… No wait. That did not come out right either. Bah! You get my point. What they are doing is wrong. Don’t ask me why it is wrong. But it is wrong.’

Roberto Mancini, in his accented English said, ‘Congrats to AC Milan for winning the title. I think they played very well throughout the season. Good for them. But they won the title in Italy and we finished fourth in England. There is a difference, you see. That is Italy, and this is England. You see?’ We did see but were tempted to ask him the context of these comments. Before we could, he added, ‘that’s why it is different.’ Before we could clarify the situation, he was ushered away by a member of the Man City staff who claimed it was an ‘emergency’.

We later learned that Mario Balotelli had problems putting on his training bib again. Also, apparently, it was meal time and Mancini had to feed him Cerelac. After that, Balotelli drove off in his Maseratti.
 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 9

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

Ganguly retires … not quite

Newcastle 4 – 4 Arsenal

The men in blue to be felicitated

Kubica survives

Ganguly retires … not quite


In a bizzare series of incidents, Sourav Ganguly, regarded by many as the greatest Indian captain ever, retired from the game only to suddenly un-retire. Reports surfaced that Ganguly had retired from all forms of the game after his being snubbed by all the IPL teams for the forthcoming edition of the IPL. Said an agitated Ganguly, ‘Who is spreading all these rumors? I’ve not retired from the game. I retired from international cricket two years ago but have not retired. I will play the IPL but since I’m not going to, I cant. But if I play the IPL, I will play other forms of the game. But I will not play.’ These statements have left the media as bemused as the general public who read these statements. This was until Ganguly came and clarified his stance. ‘See, I retired. That is clear. But what you don’t understand is that I’m now retired from retirement. I’m sure this clears it all up.’, he said, grinning. We’re, however, not so sure it clears anything up.

Ganguly has also created a new storm within Bengal. ‘I see myself as a cricket administrator one day and also a CAB driver just like Jagmohan Dalmiya.’, said the ex-captain. This statement has enraged supporters of Mr.Dalmiya who demanded an explanation from Ganguly. Ganguly clarified, ‘See it was not  something that was derogatory that I said against Mr.Dalmiya. By CAB, I was referring to the Cricket Association of Bengal. The president steers the association and hence can be considered that its driver. This was what I was referring to as a CAB driver.’ This clarification has since, lightened the mood considerably and now everyone in the association yearns to be a driver. Many of them are even getting their drivers’ licenses renewed.

Newcastle 4 – 4 Arsenal


In the aftermath of what was one of the most lopsided matches in recent times, the Arsenal players have attacked the referee, Phil Dowd, for handing out two penalties to Newcastle that were not really penalties at all. They felt that the referee was biased. Arsenal were 4-0 up in 25 minutes but squandered the lead to finish the match 4-4. Phil Dowd awarded two dubious second half penalties thereby allowing Newcastle back into the game. When the Arsenal players complained incessantly against the injustice, Phil Dowd apparently use language that was uncalled for. ‘I won’t repeat what words he came out with but they should never come from a referee.’, said Backary Sagna. When asked what exactly it was, he said, ‘how would I know? I speak French and he spoke in English. So how would I know what he said? But whatever he said, I’m sure it was bad and he should never have said it.’ ‘ Why can’t I repeat it? Well, how many times must I tell you?! I don’t know English.’, he added, in a state of agitation.

Arsenal fans, however, were convinced that the referee had been bribed. ‘Can’t you see that the ref was bribed? I mean, it was so blatant! How could he have given those decisions? You know, Newcastle were awfully quiet in the transfer market but made a lot of money selling Andy Carroll but people fail to notice the new number nine at the club – Phil Dowd!’, said a disgruntled fan. There were even shouts of ‘Arsene! Sign him up!’ with regards to Dowd from the amused Newcastle fans who couldn’t believe their luck. Clearly, they hadn’t lost their sense of humor.

The men in blue to be felicitated


With public opinion firmly against the UPA government in light of the recent price rise and inflation, the union HRD minister, Kapil Sibal, has taken it upon himself to reverse the fortunes of the government. He has hit upon a brilliant idea to use the popularity of cricket among Indians to score some brownie points. ‘If India wins the world cup, we shall felicitate the winning heroes. For this, I am announcing here that the winning heroes will be made part of folklore and part of Indian history. If India wins, I will change a long standing nursery rhyme – Jack and Jill. I will personally make it, “Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water from the well of course. You know, Jack fell down and …Also, the popular story of little red riding hood shall be changed to little blue riding hood, in honor of the world cup winning heroes. Seeing that many of them have not completed their class XII, I shall even waive these off.’, he added.

Eager to cash in on the popularity, in an unheard of step, Mr.Sibal has also taken responsibility for India’s finest hour in cricket. ‘I am Kapil and I led India to world cup glory in 1983.’, he claimed. ‘No one can deny me or the UPA govt. this. It was all due to the leadership of Sonia ji and Manhohan ji. Without them, this victory would not have been possible. I think the real credit goes to them. I would also like to thank my family and friends for supporting me and helping me through troubled time. I would also like to thank Sonia ji and … er, I’ve said that already, haven’t I?…’ Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee, however, is said to be incensed that his name was not mentioned and hence has decided to cut the Union HRD ministry’s budget, according to reports.

Kubica survives


Robert Kubica, the Polish F1 driver was involved in a horrific accident when he was racing in a rally car. His car was involved in a high speed shunt putting his life in serious danger. His arm and leg were said to be in critical condition and he was immediately rushed to the hospital and after a 7-hour surgery, the doctor came out and said triumphantly, ‘We’ve operated for a marathon 7 hours and have managed to saver Kubica’s hand.’ ‘When he came in, it was cold and almost gone but we have used great ingenuity and have managed to save his hand’, he said, beaming. At this point, one reporter (we are too humble to say that it was one of our reporters) asked, ‘What about the rest of him? Did you manage to save that as well?’ Upon hearing this, the doctor was heard mumbling something and dashed back into the operating theatre. We have sources who tell us that these were the precise words that the doctor mumbled: ‘Damn it! I knew I’d forgotten something!’ Thankfully, Robert Kubica is safe but it will be a while yet until he returns to competitive racing.

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 8

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:
More trouble at the World Cup
Silly season
Pakistan captain-less
…In other news

 

More trouble at the world cup

With the world cup approaching in a fortnight, there seems to be no end to the debacles that seem to be happening in the world cup venues. In the most recent incident, a wall has collapsed in the M.A.Chidambaram stadium at Chepauk, Chennai. While it is only a compound wall and is not inside the stadium per se, the media have had a field day with headlines such as ‘The wall fall’ and ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall; the wall had a great fall’. While they have not had much to chew on in terms of controversy since the CWG, the media have lapped it up with both arms. We contacted the ground officials and they were quick to point out that it was not a great thing and that too much was being made of it. ‘See, it was only a compound wall. There was a problem with the chemical actually. When we built the wall all those years ago, we were still arguing about the compound that the wall should be made of. I remember that I was part of that committee and I remember telling them that it would cause a chemical defect later but they did not listen to me at the time.’
Clearly, the officials are not to be deterred and have said, ‘The compound wall shall be put in place very soon. How are we so sure? Well, Mr. N.Srinivasan has promised us free bags of India Cements for the construction.’ When quizzed on the fact that the original wall itself had been using India cements, he said, ‘See, past is past and cement is cement.’ We’re still trying to evaluate the meaning of the cryptic message.
Meanwhile, there has been utter chaos at the ticketing counters, with only a single counter issuing tickets at many stadia. This has led to people standing in lines that have stretched into kilometers. When the BCCI was asked for a comment on this, they said, ‘We follow the model of the Indian railways – the single window system.’ The railways, however, meant that any counter could be used for any purpose. Clearly, the BCCI were taking the name a bit too literally.
Rumors are also rife that there is a major problem in the completion of the Wankhede in Mumbai, the venue that is slated to host the final. After the Eden Gardens debacle, the BCCI officials have been quick to point out that this is not the case. ‘The stadium in Mumbai is in perfect order. It is ready’, a spokesperson said. When asked which stadium in Munbai, the answer was, ‘the stadium.’ We leave it to the readers to interpret. Rumor has it, though, that Mr.Sharad Pawar has sweetened the deal for the ICC officials.

 

Silly season

January 31st , the final day of the January transfer window proved to be one of the most intriguing in recent times. Big money moves saw Fernando Torres move to Chelsea and Luiz Suarez and Andy Carroll moving to Liverpool.
Fernando Torres sealed his 50 million pound move from Liverpool to Chelsea. He was apparently disillusioned with his time in Liverpool and wanted to move to greater challenges. He even handed in a transfer request. Chelsea smelt blood and in true Marlon Brando style, Roman Abramovich made Liverpool, ‘an offer they couldn’t refuse.’ On being unveiled as Chelsea’s new number 9, he said, ‘I’m very happy to have signed for Chelsea. It has always been my dream to play for Chelsea.’ It may be remembered that on signing for Liverpool, Torres remarked, ‘It has always been my dream to play for Liverpool. They have been my boyhood club.’ Clearly, he has progressed to his manhood dream from his childhood one – Liverpool to Chelsea. Close associates of Torres, though, have told us that the striker wanted a change of scene. Said a source (who wishes to remain anonymous), ‘Nando wanted a change of scene. He’s played all his life in red and wanted to play in blue. Recently, he even started watching cricket and is enamored by the Indian cricket team in particular. He wants to be a man in blue. Also, he is a great fan of the captain, M.S Dhoni.’ When we approached Dhoni for a comment on this, he said, ‘well of course!’
Meanwhile, Luis Suarez finally completed his much prolonged move from Ajax to Liverpool for a sum in excess of 23 million pounds. Said Suarez, ‘It’s a dream come true. I’ve always wanted to play for Liverpool and it is like a dream come true.’ Yes, just like you, we’re also still looking for the folks who prepare these ‘new arrival’ speeches and reword them according to the player.
In one of the most bizzare transfers of the season, Andy Carroll has moved from Newcastle United to Liverpool for a sum of 35 million pounds, a sum that has left most people absolutely baffled. Balking at the price tag, fans have been left shocked. While they feel let down and betrayed by Carroll, they can’t help but feel that they’ve gotten a lot of money. Said one fan, ‘I’m gutted at the way he has left. He was such a cult hero here but he’s only played half a season in the premiership and he’s already worth 35 million? Well, I’ll take the money!’
The plot thickens though, with Carroll claiming that he was forced out of Newcastle and did not really want to leave. He sent text messages to his mate who worked in a newspaper which read, ‘gutted. Am being forced out.’ ‘Looks like I have to go. Unfortunate.’ These have created a lot of sympathy for Carroll but later in the day wikiLeaks has released an as yet un-read text which says ‘ha! Finally getting out of jail.’ While Carroll probably meant that he was no longer going to wear the jail-like outfit of Newcastle, this has evoked outrage among the Newcastle fans who are now praising Mike Ashley. One of them said, ‘Mike Ashley is great. We thought he was like Scrooge – miserly but we know that he has done a good bit of business. Looks like our Christmas Carroll came slightly late.’ Clearly, there is no shortage of puns in the Dickensian Geordie region.

 

Pakistan still skipper-less

With the world cup barely a fortnight away, the Pakistani team is yet to know who will lead them out for their first game at the world cup. The selectors are yet to decide on a captain for the world cup. While the current ODI captain, Shahid Afridi seems to be the prime candidate, the test captain, Misbah-Ul-Haq seems to be in the running for the ill-fated job. ‘This is a very difficult choice to make. While on one hand, Misbah’s frank attitude and catch dropping skills are hard to overlook, Afridi stakes a strong claim with his ball eating ability. It is a very difficult task to choose between the two.’, said the chairman of selectors. Meanwhile, there have been radical suggestions about multiple captaincy. Greg Chappell, it seems, has been appointed for this purpose. ‘We are currently not ruling out any possibility. We are exploring the multiple captaincy theory as well. We’ve appointed Greg Chappell as a consultant on these matters and we will come to a consensus very soon. We shall soon fix the captaincy’, he said. The press was asked to not read much into the ‘fix’ part.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that the Pakistan team is on a high after trouncing New Zealand in the One day series. ‘Yes, we have been playing well but it is the world cup that counts. Beating New Zealand is not that big a deal. It is the fourth game of the World cup that is most crucial for us. I don’t know who it is against but it is most crucial.’, said Afridi. In case you were wondering, Pakistan’s fourth game is against New Zealand. Afridi certainly stakes a claim for the ‘brightest’ captain.

 

…In other news
A sudden protest burst out in Sri Lanka. The reason was a classic case of mistaken identity. Trying to mirror their counterparts in Egypt, sympathizers of the anti-government protesters in Egypt staged an impromptu protest on the streets of Colombo. Their target: Jehan Mubarak, the Sri Lankan cricketer. ‘We are outraged at the events unfolding in Egypt and are compelled by duty to do something. This is what we will do!’, said a protester. ‘So what if his first name is not Hossni? He’s still a Mubarak!’, justified another. While Jehan has been left speechless and wondering what he has done wrong, the people are in no mood to give up. Rumor has it that president Obama has called up this Mubarak as well and asked him to step down from his post as soon as possible.

 

Brushing aside questions of his inclusion in the world cup side, Piyush Chawla has come out fighting and has said, ‘I’ve proved myself many times in the past. I’m a class performer. No one can doubt that. Hence I deserve to be in the squad. I have proved in the past and I will prove it again.’ Fans, though, are still not in the least convinced of the selection. ‘He’s proved,eh? And he will prove again, eh? Well, I bet he’s talking about proving the Pythogoras theorem. I know that he failed his class XII exam and has one coming up again soon. I bet he’s talking about proving this.’

 

Meanwhile, Harry Redknapp, manager of Tottenham Hotspur football club has revealed how he failed in a 35 million pound bid for Giuseppe Rossi of Villareal. ‘We tried to get him but we couldn’t. We put in a bid for him and also Sergio Aguero.’ Just when he thought he had finished, he went on, ’…and Samuel Eto’o and Lionel Messi and Karim Benzema and Gonzalo Higuain and ..’ Due to a lack of time, and because we were to cover another event, we had to leave at that point in time. However, we have it from good sources that his recital of his striker bids is still going on. We hope to catch it soon and will report back to you.

 

The West Indies cricket team has been facing a strange phenomenon off late. All their matches seem to get rained off. Be it in Sri Lanka, England or the West Indies itself, the West Indian team just seems to be unable to complete a one-day match. ‘This is perpetrated by the ICC. They are afraid that the West Indies will become a powerhouse again and win everything. Also, we are seriously thinking of suing the weather. We have formed a strong case and we shall soon be moving to court against global warming itself.’, said a spokesperson of the West Indies cricket board. Not everyone, however, is convinced that it is the weather gods who are responsible. ‘I think it is the IPL that we should blame. Ever since Chris Gayle went to the IPL, he became a big fan of numerology and suddenly dropped the ‘y’ from his name. He is now “Gale” and of course, when there is gale, there is rain.’

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 7

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:
The Eden gardens
The Australian open
New Zealand cricket
South Korean money-man

 

The Eden gardens

With hardly a few weeks to go before the start of the biggest spectacle in world cricket, The Cricket World Cup, the organizing committee and the people of Kolkata received a shock when the Eden Gardens was deemed ‘unfit’ and ‘not ready’ to host the world cup match between India and England to be held on the 27th of February. ‘It is sad and unfortunate but the stadium is just not ready’, said Mr.Haroon Lorgat, chief executive of the ICC. ‘The stadia were given ample time to get prepared but since the level of preparation does not meet the strict ICC norms, we have no option but to reschedule the game and shift the venue.’

This has left BCCI officials red-faced but they have tried to put up a brave face. ‘There is no need for any emergency meeting. It is but a minor glitch and will be sorted out. The ground is actually ready but the ICC has taken the name a bit too seriously. They came in expecting to find apples. Why apples? Well, it is Eden’s garden of course. They thought that apples were of the essence and without which, the name of the ground would not hold true. See, we did not know about this earlier. In fact, we came to know only a couple of days earlier and we even tried to get apples and clandestinely place them so that they appeared to have been grown that. Unfortunately, the ICC saw through that. We even tried to explain to them that we had iPods, iPhones and iPads in all the stands but they said that those Apples did not count. We’re trying to rope in Steve Jobs and hopefully, he will agree. So there is really, no point in being alarmed.’

Meanwhile, the Cricket Association of Bengal has cried foul. ‘We are being framed here!’, said a spokesperson. ‘For no fault of our own, the people of Kolkata are losing the opportunity to watch a match. A major conspiracy is being perpetrated against Bengal. First, no one bid for Dada at the IPL auction and now this. The worst thing is that, in both cases, the same reasons are being cited – ‘not ready’ and ‘unfit’. We are launching a national level agitation in the city of Kolkata to protest.’ When asked how it would be national level if it was only in the city, he said, ‘We will protest in the National Library!’

 

The Australian Open

The Australian Open 2011 is drawing to a close and it has proven to be a tournament of upsets. The top two seeds in both the men’s and the women’s draw have been knocked out. In the men’s draw, FedEx has been derailed by the Djoker in straight sets. In typical NoJo style, seeing Roger upset after the loss, he walked upto him and said, ‘Why so serious?’ Runor has it that he will appear for the final with a bandage on his nose. Roger apparently punched him square on the nose. Apparently, not everyone appreciates the DJoker’s humor.

Meanwhile, Rafael Nadal’s quest for the Rafa-slam, to hold all 4 grand slam titles at the same time came to an abrupt halt when he was beaten in straight sets by David Ferrer. When asked, Nadal said, ‘well he just played a great match and I was also not in the peak of my fitness. I did not want to give up though and tried to continue but the pain was just too much.’ When asked about the much fabled meeting with Roger Federer in the final, he said, ‘well, people have expectations but in the end it wasn’t to be. I thought I might be beaten by Federer. In the end, I was beaten by a man whose name is a few letters short – Ferrer’, and grinned.

Meanwhile, Justine Henin has re-retired from tennis. She said, ‘normally, this would be a very hard moment but since I’ve already retired in the past, I have my speech ready. There are some advantages, you see’, she said in a matter-of-fact way. The other Belgian, ‘supermom’ Kim Clijsters is well on her way to the title and will face off against Li Na in the final.

In other news, in a surprising show of unity, except one solitary newspaper, the Indian newspapers have reported absolutely nothing on the progress of Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi. When contacted, a spokesperson said, ‘We are totally against this publicity stunt that has been perpetrated. The New Indian Express started calling Leander-Mahesh pair as the ‘Indian Express’. Imagine the amount of free publicity that the paper would garner if we too reported about that!’

 

New Zealand cricket

In an event that has sent shockwaves through the New Zealand cricket circles, Daniel Vettori has announced his decision to step down from captaincy after the 2011 World Cup. He said, ‘I have been in this job, and in other jobs such as selector, top scorer, top wicket-taker, best average-er, best all-rounder, best mid-on fielder for a long time now. I think that it is time that the young lads step up and take charge. I think that I would like to concentrate on my other jobs and leave the captaincy to someone else. I only think this is fair. Although I am stepping down from captaincy, I will still play an active role in the team and hope to continue bowling and batting.’

The New Zealand board is clearly shell-shocked. ‘New Zealand cricket has been indebted to the services of Daniel Vettori. He has been a great captain and we fully respect his decision. We are looking at the possibile replacements and at the moment, we have not ruled out any replacement for Daniel, not even Daniel Vettori himself.’, said Mr.Daniel Vettori, the spokesperson of the New Zealand cricket board. Clearly, he is a man who dons many a hat.

Martin Guptil, meanwhile, has come out and said that he would be happy to bat anywhere in the New Zealand batting order. ‘I have found a new lease of life as an opener but would revert to any position if the team demands it. The team always comes first. The opinion on Guptil, however, is still mixed. When we asked around the streets of Auckland on what people thought of this statement of Guptil, a man said, ‘He’ll bat anywhere, eh? Well, then ask him to bat in the nets. And stay there!’

 

South Korean monkey man

The ongoing Asian cup has thrown up a major controversy. In the match between South Korea and Japan, Ki Sung-Yueng, a South Korean player scored a goal against Japan and then celebrated in a way in which he made a face like a monkey. The Japanese have taken offence to this gesture as, apparently, is used by the South Koreans to mock the Japanese. This was first picked up by TV cameras but when questioned after the game, he denied it. Later on, however, he tweeted saying that it was more important to be a Korean than a football player. Consequently, he clarified that it was indeed a slur on the Japanese. ‘I saw so many rising suns’, he said, referring to the Japanese flags, ‘and I got so ticked off! I mean, come on! I’m a late night person. We were playing at 9 in the evening, and already the sun was rising. You tell me how someone will not get ticked off!’

Meanwhile, the police protection outside Harbhajan Singh’s house has increased manifold. ‘Everytime the word ‘monkey’ is heard, we beef up the security’, said a security personnel. ‘We never know when or how accusations might come the way of Mr.Singh.’ Harbhajan himself was not available for comment. Neither was Andrew Symonds.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 6

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:
The BCCI elections
The Kochi Franchise
Sushil gets a buffalo
Olivia out of CWG
India – Australia

 

The BCCI elections
The 81st Annual General Meeting (AGM) of the BCCI was held on … The key points of note were the expulsion of Lalit Modi from the IPL governing council, and the reinstatement of former BCCI president, Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya. Also of note was the axing of Sunil Gavaskar, Farooq Abdullah and I.S.Bindra from the governing council.
Mr. Gavaskar was left fuming as he reportedly heard the news of his expulsion only from the media reports. Said he, ‘I do not know what has prompted the BCCI to remove me. Agreed, I might not have been a T20 player and have scored a 36 off 174 balls but that is no reason to drop me from the council. I am going to appeal to the Supreme court against this. First, my son Rohan, a fine cricketer, was dropped from the Indian team and now, this. This is some sort of conspiracy against the Gavaskars. I shall have my revenge.’
Meanwhile, the office bearers of the BCCI were elected with Niranjan Shah (West Zone), Rajiv Shukla (Central Zone in place of Lalit Modi), Arindam Ganguly (East Zone), Arun Jaitley (North Zone) and Shivlal Yadav (South Zone). Sanjay Jagdale and MP Pandove would continue as the joint-secretary and treasurer. The BCCI had on Tuesday nominated its secretary N Srinivasan for the president-elect’s post.
Mr.Lalit Modi, when approached, had this to say, ‘Ha! You call this elections? All of them stood unopposed and they were ‘elected’. If this is what is called an election, then I accept defeat fair and square. These BCCI folks are hypocrites.’ When pointed out that he actually was nominated as the Commissioner of the IPL and never elected, Mr. Modi retorted, ‘ I believe in letting bygones be bygones. I do not like speaking about the past. But I would like to state that in the years gone by, I have organized the IPL and have been the main reason for its stupendous success.’ Clearly, Mr. Modi has let the past be the past.

 

The Kochi Franchise
The Kochi IPL franchise has been issued a show cause notice by the BCCI to clear out the dubious nature of its ownership. The franchise is yet to submit fully to the BCCI, its list of owners and the ownership model. The owners, Rendezvous Sports World Limited, are still to submit the full list of holdings and workings of the group. This delay has led to speculation that they might have to relinquish the Kochi franchise.
The trouble started when Rendezvous got the public backing of then Union minister, Mr. Shashi Tharoor and his now wife, Sunandha Pushkar. The consortium received a blow when Shashi Tharoor was removed from the ministry with charges of misappropriation and conflict of interest. Also, his then girlfriend, Ms. Pushkar held a sweat equity in the franchise.

The sweat equity promised to Ms. Pushkar has since been withdrawn and it is still not clear as to who owns the franchise. ‘See, it’s not really our fault’, said the spokesperson of the consortium. ‘We believe in being true to our word and our name. We call ourselves rendezvous and by virtue of that, we should be called for a rendezvous with the BCCI. The BCCI, rather than do this, was constantly calling us over the phone and not meeting us in person. We pointed it out to them many times but they did not pay any heed to it. We believe in honesty and sticking to our principles. It is only a matter of time, really. It will all be sorted out. In fact, as we speak, I have just received news that we are to meet the BCCI officials in Singapore.’ When asked why Singapore, he replied, ‘Why? Haven’t you ever been to Singapore? The rendezvous hotel is there! I iterate again, we remain true to our name.’

On the topic of Ms. Pushkar, he said, ‘No. I categorically state that she was never given any sweat equity. It’s blasphemous to suggest otherwise! I mean, she always worked from an air conditioned room. Even when she was working from the Gulf, where there was 50 degree heat, we made sure that she always got an AC room. If you don’t believe me, I can show you the electricity bills.’

 

Sushil gets a buffalo
In recognition of his achievements, the Delhi Kushti Sangh rewarded Sushi Kumar with a buffalo. They also gave him 100 kilograms of ghee and almonds. ‘As appreciation for what he has done to make the country proud, we hereby gift him a buffalo’, said the chairman of the Sangh. He continued, ’For a wrestler, nutrition is most essential. Hence, he must have buffalo’s milk every day. The buffalo will be used for that. The almonds and ghee are also very nutritious foods. But we must stress that since the buffalo milk is most nutritious, the almonds and ghee should be used to feed the buffalo so that it gives better milk. If Sushil wants, he can also eat some almonds and ghee but the majority should go to the buffalo.’

‘We believe that he is a tremendous wrestler and needs all the support to win gold at the next Olympics. Hence, the buffalo will serve as a dual purpose. He will travel to London on the buffalo itself. This will not only be economical, but will also ensure that other athletes get scared of him. When he arrives on a buffalo in London, we are confident that the other athletes will think that it is Yamraj himself who has come. All arrangements for securing the right costume for the journey are also being made.’

In attendance in this award function, were former Delhi chief minister Madan Lal Khurana and senior BJP leader Rajnath Singh. It must be noted that Rajnath Singh was not here as a part of the Bharatiya Janata Party but in his capacity as the chairperson of the Buffalo Janmabhoomi Project. This project helps in establishing the birthplace of buffalos as their own and a court case like the Ayodhya one is underway. Also, having attended the function hosted by the Delhi Kushti Sangh, both Mr. Singh and Mr. Kurana are firmly established as members of the Sangh parivar.

 

Olivia out of CWG
Olivia Curran, the 19 year old gymnast from the Isle of Man has been ruled out of the Commonwealth Games because of an injury she sustained in training. She tore her anterior cruciate ligament when practicing on the eve of the games. ’It was just an accident,’ she said. ‘I was on the bars, about to dismount and my hand slipped off the bar. I slipped and landed on my knees. I knew I’d damaged it.’She is the second athlete from the Isle of Man to be ruled out of the games in quick succession. Her team mate, Joe Smith, who was ruled out of the Games earlier by a torn Achilles tendon.

Mr. Kalmadi, however, was unfazed by all this. ‘No, it’s not a big deal at all really. I had my doubts about these two athletes right from the beginning, anyway. See, this Olivia Curran is a girl and she is from the Isle of Man? How can this be possible? I used my extreme intelligence here and found out that this was not at all logical. Hence I got suspicious. Also, this Joe Smith. I was suspicious about this fellow because of his name. I was creating a hotmail ID that day (Kalmadi_comedy @hotmail.com) and Joe Smith is the example name that was given. I knew then, that this fellow worked for Microsoft and was pretending to be an athlete. So I was going to expose him but he pretended to break his leg. The truth is that he actually got called back by Microsoft because there is some project delivery coming up soon. Now that these imposters are out anyway, we can all look forward to an awesome games.’

 

Australia – India
Australia’s tour of India gets underway with the first test in Mohali. With this being billed as a revenge series of sorts for the Aussies, now the fourth ranked team in the world, the level of competition is expected to be high. Some are billing it as a revenge series for the Aussies but Ricky Ponting is quick to dismiss that. ‘No, this is not about revenge. Australia come into this series as the 4th ranked team in the world and my only aim is that I make Australia the best team that I can. For this, we may involve in sledging, brawls and general monkey business but we will not look for revenge.’

Both sides are keen to ensure that the series is played in the right spirit. ‘See, playing in the right spirit is most essential. We may be competing on the field but it should always be in the right spirit,’ said Indian skipper, M.S.Dhoni. ‘To ensure that we play in the right spirit, Dr. Vijay Mallya has kindly agreed to provide the spirits after the game. Hence, whatever goes on on the field of play will remain on the field of play. Off-field, we shall all be in high spirits.’ When asked about Bhajji and his fiery temper, Dhoni said, ‘no. I don’t worry about Bhajji. He will surely have his tail between his legs this time. He’s a tiger but this time around, I think that he has donated his tail to Shera, the CWG mascot. Speaking of Shera, since I endorse Aircel, I have to add, I have successfully made them change their campaign to say only 1412 tigers exist. I have made them add Shera into the list. The country can thank me now,’ he said grinning.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …