The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 5

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

The Commonwealth Games Village

A bridge collapses, and so does a ceiling

Yuvi dropped

Mr.Butt

In other news …

The Commonwealth Games Village

With barely 10 days to go for the start of the commonwealth games, the latest complaint has come in. This time, it is regarding the state of the living facilities. The New Zealand team is apparently unhappy with the state of the living conditions provided to their athletes. Said a spokesperson, ‘the living conditions are deplorable. Back home in New Zealand, we live in style. We provide all our guests with great accommodation but the ones provided to us are sub-standard. Here there are leaky toilets, unclean toilets and there is even one toilet with no toilet at all, just a hole.’ We told him that it was what we called an ‘Indian style toilet’ and he said, ‘Oh!’ When asked what major sporting event New Zealand has hosted in the past, the spokesperson confidently said, ‘The All New Zealand World Kiwi fruit eating championship.’

Also there were found to be faeces in the living quarters. Officials were nonchalant about this, shrugging it off indifferently saying, ‘Shit happens.’ Also, there were found dogs sleeping on the beds in the rooms. The officials were of contrasting opinions when quizzed on the subject. Some said that since a dog is a man’s best friend, it was entitled to this luxury. Others said that it was a sort of a trial run before the real thing. Maneka Gandhi is apparently incensed by the whole incident and has called for a ban on animal testing.
Meanwhile, before anyone could point fingers at Mr.Kalmadi, he came out and defended himself. ‘See, I told the government right at the beginning.’, he said, ‘I told them that for a games of this magnitude, building a games village would not suffice. I told them that we ought to build a games city or at the very least, a games town but they flatly refused my proposal. See now what has happened!

The officials-in-charge, however, were in denial. ‘It’s the fault of the rains. We had nothing to do with it. I promise you that we took all the precautions necessary. How were we to know that it would rain this heavily? I mean, we are not meteorologists.’ When asked why they had not consulted meteorologists, they responded, ‘the Indian met department is highly unreliable. But on second thought, we should have consulted with them. Maybe then, we could have blamed it on them.’

10 minutes later, an official press announcement was issued in which the meteorological department of India was blamed for not predicting the rain and that if India failed to deliver a good commonwealth games, rain would be banned from entering Delhi for the next 10 years. This was signed by Suresh Kalmadi.

A bridge collapses, and so does a ceiling

In yet another debacle, a foot over-bridge that was built collapsed just outside the sports complex injuring 23 people. Commonwealth games officials were left red-face with regards to the whole incident. They were quick to redress the situation though. Said an official, ‘yes, this has been a calamity of sorts but it’s not the end of the world. After all, it’s only an overbridge. That being said, we have decided to probe further into the matter. As of now, we squarely blame Jaypee cements. Clearly, their promise of ‘Andhar se solid’ was a lie. We have launched an inquiry into the matter and I am sure that we will get the results soon.’ We pointed out that they did not actually use Jaypee cement to which he answered, ‘So what?’

Meanwhile, while this was fresh in the memory, another embarrassing event occurred. A part of the false-ceiling in the weightlifting arena collapsed, leaving the organizing committee even more red-faced. When the officials were asked about this, they had a ready reply. ‘We were given a mandate to cut costs. Hence, now we figure that we don’t have to actually buy the weights. The athletes will be asked to life the parts of the ceiling itself. We are proud of this ingenious idea.’ ‘Also’, they added, ‘what is this fuss you are making? I don’t understand it. After all, it was only a false ceiling that collapsed. If it were the real ceiling, then there is cause for concern but since it’s only a false once, there is no harm done.’

Delhi Chief Minister, Ms.Sheila Dixit has come out in the media and appealed to the people to support the games. ‘Don’t look at minor glitches such as these. Look at the beautiful stadia that we have built for the games’, she said. ‘These setbacks have been bad, no doubt but there is room for optimism yet. On the bright side, we now have an open air stadium and can say that it is a rival to the Colosseum of Rome.’

Floods have ravaged Uttar Pradesh and more than 200 villages have been severely affected but apparently, the worst affected has been the CWG village in Delhi.

Yuvi dropped

The team for the upcoming test series against Australia has been announced and the most shocking news has been the omission of Yuvraj Singh. Debutant, Cheteshwar Pujara gets a callup in his place. Yuvraj was obviously disappointed. Said he, ‘Ya of course I am disappointed but in this stage of my life, disappointments are routine. In Sri Lanka, I scored a century and then a fifty but if that is not good enough, then I can’t help it.’ He added, ‘Yeh bhag dhod waali life mein thakna manaa hai. I am going to have 5 ReVital tablets each day. Then I can “jiyo jee bharkke.”‘ Clearly, the advertising money has been well spent.

Meanwhile, when the selectors were asked about the reason for this change, they said that it was a fitness issue. ‘You have seen that ReVital ad? That was the extent to which Yuvi is fit. Unfortunately, he can run only about 12 seconds on the treadmill. That is one of the main reasons for which he has not been included. I am sure that he will play domestic cricket and regain his form’, chairman of selectors, Kris Srikkanth told us. He added, ‘Right now, his form is not good. When all the other members of the squad are lean and rectangular, he is oval, with a pronounced mid-section and protruding belly. This form should improve.’ On the inclusion of the uncapped Pujara, he said, ‘Ya, the boy has been doing very well in the domestic circuit. See, also we are a very religious nation so a prayer, or Puja in the squad will also help us a lot.’

Mr. Butt

Mr. Ijaz Butt, chairman of the PCB has been hogging the limelight this past week with comments against the England Cricket Board (ECB) and the English players. After Pakistan won the third one-day against England, Mr.Butt came out and said, ‘It’s all a sham. These England players have been paid to lose to Pakistan. You are all blaming only the Pakistani cricketers of fixing matches but these England players are doing it too. I mean, see, the Pakistan players have decided to lose but in spite of that, if they still win, what does that show?’

When asked about the possibility of Pakistan actually playing well enough to win, he said, ‘What are you talking about? Pakistan has decided to lose. All the payments have been made. Didn’t you see the video?’ So when we asked him whether this proved that the Pakistan players were guilty, he said, ‘No! Of course not. I only made a reference to the video to emphasize that Pakistan players took money but I’m not saying that they were involved in any fixing. But I must say that England do fix matches.’ Needless to say, no one except Mr.Butt himself understands what he says.

The ECB has taken a grim view of these comments and has threatened to sue Mr.Butt. To these reports, he replied, ‘Ha! No problem I always welcome such stupid ideas. Besides, I am due for a wardrobe change now. So I welcome any sewing. It will at least save me the cost of going to a tailor to get my sewing done. Once they are done with sewing, I will sue them. See, I am very clever that way. Ha!’ Also, he launched an astonishing attack on the ICC. ‘The ICC are also involved in this match fixing. They know it is happening and yet are not doing anything about it. The CEO should be sacked. I am willing to put my name in the hat to be the next CEO. I will make sure that the ICC is run properly.’ We asked him if he knew the full-form of the acronym ICC to which he replied, ‘Of course! The International Corruption of Cricket! I am fully qualified to run it.’ He added finally, ‘Cricket is broken. Pakistan is trying to fix it. Please give them the credit they deserve.’

In other news …
West Indian cricket legend, Sir Garfield Sobers, this week, claimed that Shane Warne was not the greatest leg-spinner of all time. ‘Warne is undoubtedly a great spinner but he is not the greatest. I say this simply because he did not have a great googly to go with the spin. He was a great turner of the ball but his googly was nothing great. I feel that Subhash Gupte was better than him.’
Warne brushed off the remark saying, ‘Sir Gary is one of the greatest cricketers and I respect him immensely but I think he must have made this remark when he was drunk.’
Sir Gary retorted, ‘Everyone knows that I am a teetotaler. With a name such as ‘Sober’, how can I possibly be drunk?’

The Airtel Champions League T20 is heading towards its finale with the conclusion of the group stages. With Chennai Super Kings and Royal Challengers Bengaluru reaching the semi-finals, most cricket fans are not too sure if the IPL2 is still going on. Remarked one fan, ‘IPL2 was in South Africa; this is on South Africa. CSK and RCB made it to the semis then; they have made it to the semi-final now. What is the difference?!’
Meanwhile, The Mumbai Indians crashed out of the tournament and skipper, Sachin Tendulkar has spoken out against the fresh auctions ahead of IPL4. ‘We have worked hard in building the team and now, suddenly we have to be disbanded. This cannot be good for the game.’ With the teams allowed to retain only 4 players (only 2 foreigners), and the Mumbai Indians looking to retain the services of the West Indian duo of Pollard and Bravo, and Sri Lankan pacer, Lasith Malinga, the Mumbai Indians think tank has come up with an idea. ‘We have decided to cleverly bypass this rule of retaining only 2 foreign players. Mumbai is in West India. So we are going to change the name of our franchise to Mumbai West Indians. In doing this, Bravo and Pollard will become local players since they are West Indians anyway. Then we can keep Lasith Malinga as well!’

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. … Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 4

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,
a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

 

On tonight’s show:

  • The Micromax cup
  • Something fishy about Vishy
  • CWG pullout
  • Tiger Woods gets divorced
  • Wasim Akram

 

The Micromax cup
India played 2 matches in the micromax cup this past week with mixed results. While they lost to Sri Lanka in what was their worst ever defeat in terms on balls remaining, they beat New Zealand comprehensively to reach the final.

The first match was marked by a dismal batting performance with India all out for 103. This was not short of controversy though. When India were at  99-9, TV replays showed that Suraj Randiv tried to slyly slip in a no-ball to deny India a century. Yet, Team India managed to bat beautifully and made a brilliant century. After reaching the milestone, the players collectively held their bat aloft to acknowledge the cheers.

The second game saw a reversal in fortunes for team India. They made only a half decent 223 but bowled New Zealand out for 118, thereby reaching the Micromax cup final. India had New Zealand on the ropes at 43-6 but were hit back by a whirlwind half century by Kyle Mills. ‘The way he was swinging the bat, he was like a windmill’, remarked Dhoni at the post match press conference. When asked what the final will be like, he replied with a grin, ‘nothing like anything!’ When Ross Taylor was quizzed about the dismal effort of his team, he replied in true Micromax fashion, ‘we’re really sorry.’ The sponsors, Micromax, are truly getting their money’s worth.

Meanwhile, regional divides within India suddenly, inadvertently took an upturn during the India-New Zealand game when Tim Southee bowled to Virender Sehwag. Since Sehwag is from Delhi, it was clearly a case of a Southee  vs Nothee. Thankfully, however, this did not escalate into full scale violence as both the Southees and the Northees alike turned their wrath in the direction of the hapless Ravindra Jadeja, who seems to be taking flak from all directions.

 

Something fishy about Vishy
Vishwananthan Anand, India’s most recognizable chessman and current world champion has been denied a honorary doctorate which was to be conferred upon him in the ongoing International Congress of Mathematicians (ICM). The doctorate was to be conferred by the Central university of Hyderabad (UoH). When permission was sought by the Executive Organizing Committee (EOC) of the ICM, the Ministry of HRD(MHRD) apparently denied permission questioning Anand’s Indian-ness, since Anand is an NRI living in Spain. They said that there was some clearance that was required for further processing.

The matter was to be sent to the President for approval but never was. The MHRD is understood to have not wanted to burden the President from her already packed schedule. A schedule that comprised of, among other important activities like flying fighter planes and posing for excellent photo ops, attending the ICM.

Anand is understood to be hurt by this and was reportedly overheard as saying, ‘I want my country back.’ Kapil Sibal, Union HRD Minister, has since called up and apologized to Anand. ‘It was an oversight’, he said, ’one that never should have happened but it’s all sorted out now. Vishwananthan Anand will be conferred the honorary doctorate very soon. In compensation, I would like to personally exempt Anand from taking the class 10 and 12 board exams and would also like to give him 5 free passes to exams that he or any family member of his can show to get the exams waivered off.’

Anand, however, is not too sure of all this gestures. We hear that he is taking lessons from Sanjay Dutt and Raju Hirani on how to become a doctor, a la, Munnabhai MBBS. Two Hindi movie fans were overheard discussing the whole controversy: ‘Pardes’, accused one. ‘Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani’ pleaded the other. Looks like Anand felt like Mr.India – invisible.

 

CWG pullout
Yet another week, yet another setback. This seems to be the theme of these Commonwealth Games. After all the controversies surrounding the games, it is now time for controversies on it. Many of the top athletes have pulled out of the games citing their packed schedule as the reason. Whether it is this or whether they feel the games are not quite important enough, is anyone’s guess. Schedules of major international events like cycling world championships, tennis masters series and athletic events clash with the CWG.

The tennis team of India is also threatening to pull out because of unpaid dues. Said Mahesh Bhupathi, ‘I’ve been sending taxi and hotel bills for reimbursement but I’ve so far not got anything.’ The All India Tennis Association (AITA) says that it has forwarded the claims to the ministry and asked them to pay $115 in compensation per say. When contacted, the ministry officials say that since the players did not use the ‘fasttrack’ services, they would not be reimbursed.

Meanwhile, unlike she stated on this show last week, Stephanie Rice has indeed decided to undergo shoulder surgery and will miss the CWG. When asked about her fondness for basmati that she gave as a reason for wanting to come to India, she had a one word reply this time as well: ‘Import’.

Mr. Suresh Kalmadi was asked what he felt about this latest fiasco. He brushed it off and said that it didn’t bother him too much. ‘So what if these stars are not coming? We have plenty of stars. In October, the Delhi skies are very clear and we can get to see a lot of stars. Not only stars, constellations as well. And during the day, the brightest star, the sun, is also very much visible. So it’s not a problem at all.’ Clearly, Mr.Kalmadi has a very firm grasp on the situation, and indeed a sound knowledge of astronomy.

 

Tiger Woods gets divorced
Tiger Woods, after months of scam and speculation, finally laid to rest the entire philandering saga by signing on the dotted line and getting divorced from Elin Nordegen. The divorce finally went through on Monday. After the divorce, Elin spoke out for the first time and said, ’I felt like my whole world had fallen apart. I loved him. We had so much fun and I felt safe with him.’ She felt safe with him and now we have learned that she has ordered a state-of-the-art safe to store the proceeds from the divorce. The divorce settlement is rumored to be in the region of $100 million USD.

Tiger Woods, when interviewed, said that he was saddened by the entire ordeal. When asked what his immediate plan was, he smiled hopefully and said, ‘birdies.’ We assume he meant the golfing kind.

 

Wasim Akram
The Pakistani fast bowling great, Wasim Akram was caught up in a row with Indian skipper, M.S.Dhoni over his comments about Indian fast bowlers being ‘softies.’ He was referring to the bowlers not being fit enough. M.S.Dhoni apparently heard only half of this and launched into a strong defence of his bowlers. ‘We are not softies’, he said. ‘If anything, we are more of a team of Frostiks and Cornettos. There are even some of these players who have grown up loving Max Fun Orange and Fun Joos but to call us softies is preposterous.’

When Wasim Akram clarified that he was indeed talking about the fitness of the bowlers, Dhoni retracted his criticism and said that he had spoken in the heat of the moment. ‘You know, when we speak in the heat of the moment, we say things that we don’t really mean.’ He even joked, ‘In the heat of the moment, the softie is most likely going to melt.’ ‘But in all seriousness’, he continued, ‘ even our bowlers are not softies. We may have the occasional Sundae on our Sunday off but not a softie by any means.’

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter side – This week in Sport – Ep.3

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
 
Before we get to the show,
 a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:
 

  • The Barclays Premier League season kicks off
  • Synchronized swimming
  • The Rogers cup
  • ‘No Delhi, not New Delhi’ says Dawn
  • Manchester City
The Barclays Premier League season kicks off 
After the summer of the world cup, the stars were back in action at their respective clubs for the season opener of the Barclays Premier League. The start of the season had fans waiting with bated breath and it didn’t disappoint. There were goals galore and shocking results like the much unfancied Blackpool beating Wigan Athletic 4-0. The most awaited clash of the opening weekend, Liverpool vs Arsenal turned out to be much of a damp squib though, with neither team really hitting top form.
The reds’ new signing, Joe Cole, really got into the spirit of the game, picking up a red card on his debut in red. When asked, he said that he was a great perfectionist and liked to really get into the role that he assumes. 
Meanwhile, while the rest of the Premier League teams played the opening weekend of the Premier League, Chelsea decided to follow a slightly different approach. In an attempt to do things differently, they played a tennis match against West Bromwich Albion. They took the first set 6-0 when they were forced off the field after 90 minutes. Being a London club, they obviously were in the Wimbledon hangover.

Synchronized swimming 

There arose a new controversy this week with the womens synchronized swimming team’s preparations thrown in disarray. The 7 member team (Avanti Merchant, Anushka Merchant, Mili Laliwala, Mihira Khopkar, Bijal Vasant, Kavita Kolapkar and Avani Dave) had been training for months now under 2 Indian coaches, Edna Sharma and Param Pal. A Japanese coach, Haruka Fujishima was brought in for special coaching and she left in April. After this, the girls trained on their own.

Bharti Dave (whose daughter Avani was in the team) had been working as coordinator for the swim team. Haruka left in mid-April and since then, the girls have been training on their own. In mid-July, Bharti Dave took 3 girls (including her daughter) to the United States for a special camp. The other girls came to know of it only later. Naturally, they were outraged. They now feel as if they have been part of the cult video game, ‘Dangerous Dave’. Anand Merchant, the father of Avanti and Anushka, wrote a letter to M.S.Gill, not because his name sounds like that associated with a fish, and the subject matter involved swimming, but because he is the sports minister. Anand is clearly not happy.

Coach, Param Pal, said that she had no idea where the girls were and that she was only a govt. servant. The girls left behind definitely don’t see her as a pal anymore. When we contacted Haruka, she spoke in Japanese which our able translator translated to mean, ‘I have only trained the Indian girls. Please do not ask me about the United States. Also, I am having sushi for dinner.’

Evidently, the synchronized swimming team is not anywhere near in-sync. Though, some girls were rumored to be listening to the music of ‘N Sync to keep their spirits up. The results of this experiment are yet not out.

The Rogers cup 

The Rogers Cup in Toronto marked the beginning of the serious hard court season in the lead up to the US Open. The tournament saw a full array of stars with the 4 top ranked players, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic all reaching the semi-finals. Federer and Murray were the last two men standing after Federer beat Djokovic and Murray prevailed over the world’s number 1 player, Rafael Nadal.

In a keenly contested final, Murray ultimately prevailed 7-5 7-5. Interestingly, this win takes his career head to head record with Federer to 7-5. When asked about his win, he said that it was great to win such a coveted title and that it was his serve that really helped him. He said something about being James Bond and about being On her Majesty’s secret service. Clearly Queen Elizabeth has had something to do with Murray’s much improved serving.

Meanwhile, Federer was clearly disappointed on missing out on the title. He said that the numerous rain delays did not help his cause either with him not being able to regain his momentum. ‘The pendulum swung his way in the end’, he said. Experts are still arguing whether he was talking about the tennis match or was advertising his rolex watch. Also, while Murray might have won, Federer had the last laugh. ‘After all’, he was quoted as saying, ‘he may have won but the tournament is still named after me.’

‘No Delhi, not New Delhi’ says Dawn
 Legendary Australian swimmer, Dawn Faser has urged Australian athletes to boycott the forthcoming commonwealth games to be held in New Delhi. ‘I would hate to see another Munich’, she was quoted as saying. When we asked close friends and family, we found out that Dawn has never been a great fan of Steven Spielberg or his movies. Hence it is only natural that she would not like to see Munich, let alone another Munich. Fraser was supported by another former Australian athlete Raelene Boyle, who was present at the Munich Games during the massacre. She said that she had seen her namesake, Danny Boyle’s portrayal of India in Slumdog Millionaire and was appalled. When we mentioned that it was Mumbai that was shown in the movie and not Delhi, she was non-committal on the issue.

Meanwhile, triple Olympic gold medalist, Australian swimming sensation, Stephanie Rice, has confirmed that she will be postponing her shoulder surgery and will indeed be taking part in the commonwealth games. Rice said that she hoped to rise to the occasion and bring laurels to her country. Also, she said that she wanted to explore India. When asked what fascinated Rice the most about India, she said one word, ‘basmati.’

Manchester City 

Manchester City completed the signings of Mario Balotelli and James Milner from Inter and Aston Villa respectively. The James Milner transfer saga finally came to an end with City finally getting their man after months of speculation. While James is now the villain at Villa. When asked about his switch to Manchester, he said, ‘It was a great opportunity to join a fantastic club like Manchester City who have great ambition. However, I would like to thank all those at Aston Villa who have helped me over the years. As a special gesture to them, I will buy myself an Aston Martin. This way, a part of Aston Villa will always be with me, and it would also be a tribute to Martin O Neill, my previous manager there.’

Stephen Ireland went the other way as part of the deal. reportedly, Manchester City were keen to offload Ireland because of a supposed rift that Manchester once had with Ireland, the country. When asked about the move, Ireland said that he was happy to be going to a club like Aston Villa who have shown that they are a top team. When quizzed about his loyalty towards his new club, he said, ‘Oh don’t worry! If James has bought an Aston, I’ve already gone and bought something more expensive, a villa.’ He chuckled and added, ‘and not David Villa, Barca already got hold of him.’

Meanwhile City also finally got their hands on Mario Balotelli, the prodigious 19 year old Italian striker from Inter Milan. Nicknamed ‘Super Mario’, Balotelli has worked with City manager Roberto Mancini when Mancini was the manager at Inter. Balotelli joins City’s long line of strikers. When asked if Balotelli could force his way into the starting line-up, Mancini was very optimistic, ‘Why not? He’s supremely talented and has got a great game.’ When asked about which game, Mancini was still undecided over the Nintendo 64 version or the Nintendo Wii version of Mario. Rumor has it that Balotelli has also bought a go-kart just so that he doesn’t look touch with the ‘Mario kart’ game. Next up on City’s radar is Luigi. Once they complete his signing, they will have the Super Mario Brothers on their books.

 Just in case you missed the whole Sehwag – Randiv ‘no-ball gate’ midweek, catch it at http://bit.ly/aiZSXZ

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The ligher side – This week in sport : Ep.2

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

India’s dismal show

Cadiz accuse Spanish football of being fixed

Usain Bolt is beaten

Manchester United sign an unknown

England beat Hungary

Indian Hockey

…and of course

The commonwealth games

 

India’s dismal show

The tri-series featuring India, Sri Lanka and New Zeland got underway with an under-strength New Zeland side taking on a much-fancied Indian team. The Indians were expected to be too strong for a Kiwi side that was missing the likes of skipper Vettori, and senior players like Brendon McCullum and Jesse Ryder. What ensued was a complete turn up for the books with India getting all-out for 88 runs, losing by a whopping 200 runs. Speaking after the match, coach Kirsten was a bit worried about the display but brushed it off as a one-off. ‘Besides’, he was heard saying, ‘Sachin will make up for those 200 runs.’ When quizzed about this dismal performance, our cricket expert said that it was all in brotherly spirit, now that Independence-day was coming up. ‘After all’, he said, ‘when the number one ranked team in ODIs can get all out for 88 in a test match, as a neighbor, it is our duty to emulate Pakistan’s feat and hence it’s only fair that the number one ranked team in Tests should get all out for 88 in an ODI.’

Meanwhile, Yuvraj Singh made an excellent claim for a place in the test side with a 50-ball 5. Unfortunately, he was playing a One Day international. When asked about this, he nonchalantly waved it off saying ‘The selectors of the ODI and test team are the same.’

 

Cadiz accuse Spanish football of being fixed

The Spanish football federation have opened a private investigation into accusations of match-fixing last season after Cadiz, who were relegated to the third tier of Spanish football accused their rivals of match fixing. When approached, a club official said that there were a couple of teams he was doubtful about. A club source (who does not wish to be named) had this to say, ‘We strongly suspect 2 teams. Barcelona and Real Madrid. I mean, look at the results! They were clearly winning against all the teams in the second division. Something is wrong. Even though we are inferior in terms of quality, there is no way that we can be beaten by Real and Barca numerous times.’ The Spanish football federation is rumored to have issued a directive tot Real and Barca not to win so many matches.

 

Usain Bolt is beaten

Olympic champion and world record holder, Usain Bolt, the fastest man on the planet was beaten for only the second time in his professional career in a 100 meter race. The previous time had been against a Ferrari F1 car. Speaking about this loss, he said, ‘This is a non-competition year. So whoever wants to beat me, better do so this year.’ Clearly, he does not view the Commonwealth games as ‘competition.’ He added,’ I’ll be back’ in terminator style. Unfortunately, his back is injured and it can be safely said that he won’t be back anytime soon. In fact, he has ruled himself out of all competition this season. A small note on his conqueror; Tyson Gay, who beat Bolt was, needless to say, happy.

 

Manchester United sign an unknown

Manchester United, this week, signed an absolute unknown, Tiago Manuel Dias Corrieia, nicknamed Bebe. This is remarkable because less than a year ago, Bebe was playing in the ‘homeless world cup’ in South Africa. He was picked literally from the streets. When approached, Bebe was still in dreamland. When he was asked about the experience of going from playing in the third tier of Portuguese football to playing for one of the biggest clubs in the world, he had one word to say, ‘Inception.’ Clever really, because after all, he is going to play at Manchester United’s Old Trafford stadium commonly called the Theatre of Dreams.

On a related story, on the day the signing was announced, the Manchester United website recorded an increase of a fifty thousand hits from India alone. Upon investigation, it was found that an over-zealous news channel, in their hurry to publish the news first, had published it with a slight spelling mistake. Bebe was spelt Bebo. Clearly, many Indians want to watch a size zero, red jersey flaunting actress.

 

England beat Hungary

After a dismal world cup campaign, a new look England team took to the field against Hungary at Wembley. Many pundits questioned the organizing of a friendly so close to the start of the new Premier League season, which kicks off this weekend. To this, the English FA authorities said that it was a strategic move. They were quoted as saying that a friendly against Hungary would only make the players more hungry for success in the upcoming season.

In a pre-match conference, England captain, Steven Gerrard said that if he were an England fan, he’d boo the team too, after the lacklusture performance in the world Cup in South Africa. While some questioned this candid remark, other pundits hail it as an excellently clever move. They felt that, in spite of his poor showing, Rooney is still England’s main player and that the ‘boo’s would actually sound like ‘roo’s  and serve to galvanize him. Boo or Roo, there will be no vuu as the vuvuzelas were banned at Wembley for the game.

 

Indian Hockey

After almost a 2 year standoff, the 2 bodies of hockey in India, Hockey India (HI) and the Indian Hockey Federation (IHF) began the process of merging together. It may be noted that HI, which held its presidential elections last week, was officially disbanded shortly after. However, the Federation of International Hockey (FIH) threatened to ban India from further tournaments until the mess was sorted out. Hence this coming together. The IHF has taken the first step by merging with the Women’s Hockey Federation, which was a pre-requisite for the official recognition. Yet, there are problems still to come with the question of who are to be the office bearers of this merged federation. Vidya Stokes, the recently elected president of the now disbanded HI has apparently staked a claim to the chair. Her argument is that since she’s 82, she’s the only one to have seen all of India’s Olympic triumphs. K.P.S Gill, however, smells something fishy, and is apparently using his political muscle to take control of this new federation. Whether the fusion happens or not, there, there is certain to be a lot of confusion in the days to come.

 

…and of course

The commonwealth games

The mess surrounding the Commonwealth Games (CWG) seems to getting more and more, well, messy. The latest charges of corruption have been raised against the big three – Suresh Kalmadi, Mike Fennel and Mike Cooper. The handing of the contract to AM Films has been called into question. It has been shown that this has led to expenses over and above required to the tune of nearly INR 10 crore. The other scam surfacing has been that regarding the payments to the company Fasttrack, which have led to losses of INR 25 crore.

When approached, Mr. Kalmadi remained calm and had this to say, ‘I expected Mr. Fennel to funnel out the right from the wrong but he has let me down. Regarding the use of Fasttrack’s services, we were short of time and thought we might speed up operations.’ When asked about his alleged involvement in the many scams, Mr.Kalmadi refused to comment but shortly after, our sources have learnt that he received a crash course in scam management from the Hon. Minister of telecom, Mr. A.Raja. This is true parliamentary brotherhood.

In other news, the Delhi Chief Minister, Ms. Sheila Dixit, has given the organizing committee until the 31st of August to clear out the rubble. Because of the extreme short notice, there is talk of the Flintstones being employed for this special job. When asked if the venues would be ready in time, she said that she was confident as this was the month of Ramzan and that she expected people to work fast.

In related news, the stock of Pidilite, the makers of the popular adhesive, Dr.Fixit has shot up. This is because rumor has it that it’s being used to fix the leaks in the leaking Jawaharlal Stadium.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

 

The lighter Side – This week in sport : Ep.1

Welcome to the first edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

The Hungarian GP

The India-Sri Lanka test

Tiger’s comeback

A-Rod’s home run

Hockey India’s presidential election

The Commonwealth games

 

The Hungarian GP

Mark Webber’s victory at the Hungaroring ensured that he went atop the driver’s standings and McLaren were toppled by Red Bull at the top of the constructor’s standings. Webber, later admitted that he was fortuitous with Vettel’s drive thru penalty but added that it was he who won at the end of the day. When asked about being number two, and about the entire front wing controversy, he shrugged it off saying ‘Red Bull gives you wings, even if, sometimes, they are not the latest.’

Meanwhile Michael Schumacher and ex-teammate Rubens Barichello were involved in a li’l bit of argy-bargy. Only, the argy was missing but the barging was done by Schumi. Speaking later on, Schumi admitted his mistake but added that he was merely jostling for track position. He also added that at the back of his mind, he thought that he was still at Ferrari and was wondering as to why team, ahem, orders weren’t called in. It must have been Rubens’ calling Schumacher ‘Schumi’ that the German must have probably mistaken to be ‘shoo-me’, and duly obliged.

 

The India Sri Lanka test

The much awaited third test begun in earnest this week with the sides, completely unfamiliar with each other (due to the lack of cricket between the two nations in the recent past). The build up to the game was marred with injuries to key players to both sides, the left and the right.

Yuvraj Singh was fit again but Raina, the centurion in the previous test was preferred to him. When questioned, Dhoni defended his decision by saying that Raina had proved himself in the extremely testing conditions in the previous test where batting was ‘difficult’. Yuvi meanwhile, was involved in ‘the waterboy’ controversy where someone was accused of calling him one. Yuvraj has so far declined to comment but we learn through reliable sources that Adam Sandler is not amused. On questioned about why the ‘waterboy’ claims might have come in, our cricket expert says that it might have something to do with Yuvi’s ‘pot’ belly.

Sri Lanka, meanwhile, have reacalled Slinga-Malinga to their lineup and have retained last test match’s double centurion, Suraj Randiv.

 

Tiger’s comeback

In spite of the nature of the headline, it is not one of Tiger’s mistresses’ calling him out to come back. Tiger Woods makes a comeback at the Firestone invitational. Previously unbeatable at the venue, Tiger has had a dismal opening round of 4 over par and trails the leader by nine strokes. When asked about his performance, he said that he was yet to peak and that the birds, er, birdies distracted him. When asked what he felt about his number one ranking hanging by a thread, Tiger responded by saying that rankings were immaterial. It was the ‘game’ that counted. Tiger is also seen sporting a new French beard, which raises suspicion of the new French bird in his life. Asked about his meanders, Tiger mistook it to mean his personal life and stormed out of his conference, presumably to go back to the Woods (yes, that is the hotel he stays at.)

 

A-Rod’s home run

Alex Rodriguez scored the 600th home  run of his career this past week and becomes the youngest man to do so. When asked about his success, he patted his bat and said ‘a rod’. He takes the record of being the youngest to 600 homers from Babe Ruth. When we went around the streets of India and asked what people felt about this achievement, we got replies such as ‘why run home 600 times’ and ‘600 Homer Simpsons? D-oh!’. Clearly baseball has a long way to go in this country.

 

Hockey India’s presidential election

Hockey India’s presidential elections finally took place this week with the 82 year old Vidya Stokes triumphing over former India captain, Pargat Singh. Pragat paid the penalty for underestimating Stokes. In the aftermath of the elections, the opposition cried foul. One of their main allegations was that MsStokes used the slogan ‘Chak De india’ in her campaign while secretly ‘Cheque de’ing money to rig the elections. Also on the opposition’s agenda was the fact that the ruling party, the Congress had rigged the election because of Ms.Stokes’ uncanny resemblance to a certain Ms. I.Gandhi. This theory, however, was soon disbanded when , hours after the election, The Ms.Stokes led Hockey India was officially derecognized by the govt.

 

The Commonwealth games

In what is being acknowledged as the worst organized even ever in the history of India, the commonwealth games’ Organizing Committee or OC has been slapped with charges of misappropriation and unwanted expenditure. The man at the eye of the storm, Mr. Suresh Kalmadi seems unperturbed by it all, though. It has come to the notice of the press that toilet rolls have been purchased at Rs.4000 a roll. When asked to comment on this, Mr.Kalmadi simply said that it was a baseless allegation and that the press must get their facts right. The Govt meanwhile has promised to get to the ‘bottom’ of the toilet paper controversy. When asked about a tread mill being hired for one million Rupees, Mr.Kalmadi did deny the allegation but mumbled something about asking Usain Bolt to come and run on it. Meanwhile, the Nehru stadium that will host the opening and closing ceremonies, was found to be leaking. When asked about it, Mr.Kalmadi blamed WikiLeaks and also said that Dr.FixIt was being employed.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

 

 

Cheers