The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 7

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:
The Eden gardens
The Australian open
New Zealand cricket
South Korean money-man

 

The Eden gardens

With hardly a few weeks to go before the start of the biggest spectacle in world cricket, The Cricket World Cup, the organizing committee and the people of Kolkata received a shock when the Eden Gardens was deemed ‘unfit’ and ‘not ready’ to host the world cup match between India and England to be held on the 27th of February. ‘It is sad and unfortunate but the stadium is just not ready’, said Mr.Haroon Lorgat, chief executive of the ICC. ‘The stadia were given ample time to get prepared but since the level of preparation does not meet the strict ICC norms, we have no option but to reschedule the game and shift the venue.’

This has left BCCI officials red-faced but they have tried to put up a brave face. ‘There is no need for any emergency meeting. It is but a minor glitch and will be sorted out. The ground is actually ready but the ICC has taken the name a bit too seriously. They came in expecting to find apples. Why apples? Well, it is Eden’s garden of course. They thought that apples were of the essence and without which, the name of the ground would not hold true. See, we did not know about this earlier. In fact, we came to know only a couple of days earlier and we even tried to get apples and clandestinely place them so that they appeared to have been grown that. Unfortunately, the ICC saw through that. We even tried to explain to them that we had iPods, iPhones and iPads in all the stands but they said that those Apples did not count. We’re trying to rope in Steve Jobs and hopefully, he will agree. So there is really, no point in being alarmed.’

Meanwhile, the Cricket Association of Bengal has cried foul. ‘We are being framed here!’, said a spokesperson. ‘For no fault of our own, the people of Kolkata are losing the opportunity to watch a match. A major conspiracy is being perpetrated against Bengal. First, no one bid for Dada at the IPL auction and now this. The worst thing is that, in both cases, the same reasons are being cited – ‘not ready’ and ‘unfit’. We are launching a national level agitation in the city of Kolkata to protest.’ When asked how it would be national level if it was only in the city, he said, ‘We will protest in the National Library!’

 

The Australian Open

The Australian Open 2011 is drawing to a close and it has proven to be a tournament of upsets. The top two seeds in both the men’s and the women’s draw have been knocked out. In the men’s draw, FedEx has been derailed by the Djoker in straight sets. In typical NoJo style, seeing Roger upset after the loss, he walked upto him and said, ‘Why so serious?’ Runor has it that he will appear for the final with a bandage on his nose. Roger apparently punched him square on the nose. Apparently, not everyone appreciates the DJoker’s humor.

Meanwhile, Rafael Nadal’s quest for the Rafa-slam, to hold all 4 grand slam titles at the same time came to an abrupt halt when he was beaten in straight sets by David Ferrer. When asked, Nadal said, ‘well he just played a great match and I was also not in the peak of my fitness. I did not want to give up though and tried to continue but the pain was just too much.’ When asked about the much fabled meeting with Roger Federer in the final, he said, ‘well, people have expectations but in the end it wasn’t to be. I thought I might be beaten by Federer. In the end, I was beaten by a man whose name is a few letters short – Ferrer’, and grinned.

Meanwhile, Justine Henin has re-retired from tennis. She said, ‘normally, this would be a very hard moment but since I’ve already retired in the past, I have my speech ready. There are some advantages, you see’, she said in a matter-of-fact way. The other Belgian, ‘supermom’ Kim Clijsters is well on her way to the title and will face off against Li Na in the final.

In other news, in a surprising show of unity, except one solitary newspaper, the Indian newspapers have reported absolutely nothing on the progress of Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi. When contacted, a spokesperson said, ‘We are totally against this publicity stunt that has been perpetrated. The New Indian Express started calling Leander-Mahesh pair as the ‘Indian Express’. Imagine the amount of free publicity that the paper would garner if we too reported about that!’

 

New Zealand cricket

In an event that has sent shockwaves through the New Zealand cricket circles, Daniel Vettori has announced his decision to step down from captaincy after the 2011 World Cup. He said, ‘I have been in this job, and in other jobs such as selector, top scorer, top wicket-taker, best average-er, best all-rounder, best mid-on fielder for a long time now. I think that it is time that the young lads step up and take charge. I think that I would like to concentrate on my other jobs and leave the captaincy to someone else. I only think this is fair. Although I am stepping down from captaincy, I will still play an active role in the team and hope to continue bowling and batting.’

The New Zealand board is clearly shell-shocked. ‘New Zealand cricket has been indebted to the services of Daniel Vettori. He has been a great captain and we fully respect his decision. We are looking at the possibile replacements and at the moment, we have not ruled out any replacement for Daniel, not even Daniel Vettori himself.’, said Mr.Daniel Vettori, the spokesperson of the New Zealand cricket board. Clearly, he is a man who dons many a hat.

Martin Guptil, meanwhile, has come out and said that he would be happy to bat anywhere in the New Zealand batting order. ‘I have found a new lease of life as an opener but would revert to any position if the team demands it. The team always comes first. The opinion on Guptil, however, is still mixed. When we asked around the streets of Auckland on what people thought of this statement of Guptil, a man said, ‘He’ll bat anywhere, eh? Well, then ask him to bat in the nets. And stay there!’

 

South Korean monkey man

The ongoing Asian cup has thrown up a major controversy. In the match between South Korea and Japan, Ki Sung-Yueng, a South Korean player scored a goal against Japan and then celebrated in a way in which he made a face like a monkey. The Japanese have taken offence to this gesture as, apparently, is used by the South Koreans to mock the Japanese. This was first picked up by TV cameras but when questioned after the game, he denied it. Later on, however, he tweeted saying that it was more important to be a Korean than a football player. Consequently, he clarified that it was indeed a slur on the Japanese. ‘I saw so many rising suns’, he said, referring to the Japanese flags, ‘and I got so ticked off! I mean, come on! I’m a late night person. We were playing at 9 in the evening, and already the sun was rising. You tell me how someone will not get ticked off!’

Meanwhile, the police protection outside Harbhajan Singh’s house has increased manifold. ‘Everytime the word ‘monkey’ is heard, we beef up the security’, said a security personnel. ‘We never know when or how accusations might come the way of Mr.Singh.’ Harbhajan himself was not available for comment. Neither was Andrew Symonds.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 6

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:
The BCCI elections
The Kochi Franchise
Sushil gets a buffalo
Olivia out of CWG
India – Australia

 

The BCCI elections
The 81st Annual General Meeting (AGM) of the BCCI was held on … The key points of note were the expulsion of Lalit Modi from the IPL governing council, and the reinstatement of former BCCI president, Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya. Also of note was the axing of Sunil Gavaskar, Farooq Abdullah and I.S.Bindra from the governing council.
Mr. Gavaskar was left fuming as he reportedly heard the news of his expulsion only from the media reports. Said he, ‘I do not know what has prompted the BCCI to remove me. Agreed, I might not have been a T20 player and have scored a 36 off 174 balls but that is no reason to drop me from the council. I am going to appeal to the Supreme court against this. First, my son Rohan, a fine cricketer, was dropped from the Indian team and now, this. This is some sort of conspiracy against the Gavaskars. I shall have my revenge.’
Meanwhile, the office bearers of the BCCI were elected with Niranjan Shah (West Zone), Rajiv Shukla (Central Zone in place of Lalit Modi), Arindam Ganguly (East Zone), Arun Jaitley (North Zone) and Shivlal Yadav (South Zone). Sanjay Jagdale and MP Pandove would continue as the joint-secretary and treasurer. The BCCI had on Tuesday nominated its secretary N Srinivasan for the president-elect’s post.
Mr.Lalit Modi, when approached, had this to say, ‘Ha! You call this elections? All of them stood unopposed and they were ‘elected’. If this is what is called an election, then I accept defeat fair and square. These BCCI folks are hypocrites.’ When pointed out that he actually was nominated as the Commissioner of the IPL and never elected, Mr. Modi retorted, ‘ I believe in letting bygones be bygones. I do not like speaking about the past. But I would like to state that in the years gone by, I have organized the IPL and have been the main reason for its stupendous success.’ Clearly, Mr. Modi has let the past be the past.

 

The Kochi Franchise
The Kochi IPL franchise has been issued a show cause notice by the BCCI to clear out the dubious nature of its ownership. The franchise is yet to submit fully to the BCCI, its list of owners and the ownership model. The owners, Rendezvous Sports World Limited, are still to submit the full list of holdings and workings of the group. This delay has led to speculation that they might have to relinquish the Kochi franchise.
The trouble started when Rendezvous got the public backing of then Union minister, Mr. Shashi Tharoor and his now wife, Sunandha Pushkar. The consortium received a blow when Shashi Tharoor was removed from the ministry with charges of misappropriation and conflict of interest. Also, his then girlfriend, Ms. Pushkar held a sweat equity in the franchise.

The sweat equity promised to Ms. Pushkar has since been withdrawn and it is still not clear as to who owns the franchise. ‘See, it’s not really our fault’, said the spokesperson of the consortium. ‘We believe in being true to our word and our name. We call ourselves rendezvous and by virtue of that, we should be called for a rendezvous with the BCCI. The BCCI, rather than do this, was constantly calling us over the phone and not meeting us in person. We pointed it out to them many times but they did not pay any heed to it. We believe in honesty and sticking to our principles. It is only a matter of time, really. It will all be sorted out. In fact, as we speak, I have just received news that we are to meet the BCCI officials in Singapore.’ When asked why Singapore, he replied, ‘Why? Haven’t you ever been to Singapore? The rendezvous hotel is there! I iterate again, we remain true to our name.’

On the topic of Ms. Pushkar, he said, ‘No. I categorically state that she was never given any sweat equity. It’s blasphemous to suggest otherwise! I mean, she always worked from an air conditioned room. Even when she was working from the Gulf, where there was 50 degree heat, we made sure that she always got an AC room. If you don’t believe me, I can show you the electricity bills.’

 

Sushil gets a buffalo
In recognition of his achievements, the Delhi Kushti Sangh rewarded Sushi Kumar with a buffalo. They also gave him 100 kilograms of ghee and almonds. ‘As appreciation for what he has done to make the country proud, we hereby gift him a buffalo’, said the chairman of the Sangh. He continued, ’For a wrestler, nutrition is most essential. Hence, he must have buffalo’s milk every day. The buffalo will be used for that. The almonds and ghee are also very nutritious foods. But we must stress that since the buffalo milk is most nutritious, the almonds and ghee should be used to feed the buffalo so that it gives better milk. If Sushil wants, he can also eat some almonds and ghee but the majority should go to the buffalo.’

‘We believe that he is a tremendous wrestler and needs all the support to win gold at the next Olympics. Hence, the buffalo will serve as a dual purpose. He will travel to London on the buffalo itself. This will not only be economical, but will also ensure that other athletes get scared of him. When he arrives on a buffalo in London, we are confident that the other athletes will think that it is Yamraj himself who has come. All arrangements for securing the right costume for the journey are also being made.’

In attendance in this award function, were former Delhi chief minister Madan Lal Khurana and senior BJP leader Rajnath Singh. It must be noted that Rajnath Singh was not here as a part of the Bharatiya Janata Party but in his capacity as the chairperson of the Buffalo Janmabhoomi Project. This project helps in establishing the birthplace of buffalos as their own and a court case like the Ayodhya one is underway. Also, having attended the function hosted by the Delhi Kushti Sangh, both Mr. Singh and Mr. Kurana are firmly established as members of the Sangh parivar.

 

Olivia out of CWG
Olivia Curran, the 19 year old gymnast from the Isle of Man has been ruled out of the Commonwealth Games because of an injury she sustained in training. She tore her anterior cruciate ligament when practicing on the eve of the games. ’It was just an accident,’ she said. ‘I was on the bars, about to dismount and my hand slipped off the bar. I slipped and landed on my knees. I knew I’d damaged it.’She is the second athlete from the Isle of Man to be ruled out of the games in quick succession. Her team mate, Joe Smith, who was ruled out of the Games earlier by a torn Achilles tendon.

Mr. Kalmadi, however, was unfazed by all this. ‘No, it’s not a big deal at all really. I had my doubts about these two athletes right from the beginning, anyway. See, this Olivia Curran is a girl and she is from the Isle of Man? How can this be possible? I used my extreme intelligence here and found out that this was not at all logical. Hence I got suspicious. Also, this Joe Smith. I was suspicious about this fellow because of his name. I was creating a hotmail ID that day (Kalmadi_comedy @hotmail.com) and Joe Smith is the example name that was given. I knew then, that this fellow worked for Microsoft and was pretending to be an athlete. So I was going to expose him but he pretended to break his leg. The truth is that he actually got called back by Microsoft because there is some project delivery coming up soon. Now that these imposters are out anyway, we can all look forward to an awesome games.’

 

Australia – India
Australia’s tour of India gets underway with the first test in Mohali. With this being billed as a revenge series of sorts for the Aussies, now the fourth ranked team in the world, the level of competition is expected to be high. Some are billing it as a revenge series for the Aussies but Ricky Ponting is quick to dismiss that. ‘No, this is not about revenge. Australia come into this series as the 4th ranked team in the world and my only aim is that I make Australia the best team that I can. For this, we may involve in sledging, brawls and general monkey business but we will not look for revenge.’

Both sides are keen to ensure that the series is played in the right spirit. ‘See, playing in the right spirit is most essential. We may be competing on the field but it should always be in the right spirit,’ said Indian skipper, M.S.Dhoni. ‘To ensure that we play in the right spirit, Dr. Vijay Mallya has kindly agreed to provide the spirits after the game. Hence, whatever goes on on the field of play will remain on the field of play. Off-field, we shall all be in high spirits.’ When asked about Bhajji and his fiery temper, Dhoni said, ‘no. I don’t worry about Bhajji. He will surely have his tail between his legs this time. He’s a tiger but this time around, I think that he has donated his tail to Shera, the CWG mascot. Speaking of Shera, since I endorse Aircel, I have to add, I have successfully made them change their campaign to say only 1412 tigers exist. I have made them add Shera into the list. The country can thank me now,’ he said grinning.

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …