Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,
a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.
On tonight’s show:
Ganguly retires … not quite
Newcastle 4 – 4 Arsenal
The men in blue to be felicitated
Kubica survives
Ganguly retires … not quite
In a bizzare series of incidents, Sourav Ganguly, regarded by many as the greatest Indian captain ever, retired from the game only to suddenly un-retire. Reports surfaced that Ganguly had retired from all forms of the game after his being snubbed by all the IPL teams for the forthcoming edition of the IPL. Said an agitated Ganguly, ‘Who is spreading all these rumors? I’ve not retired from the game. I retired from international cricket two years ago but have not retired. I will play the IPL but since I’m not going to, I cant. But if I play the IPL, I will play other forms of the game. But I will not play.’ These statements have left the media as bemused as the general public who read these statements. This was until Ganguly came and clarified his stance. ‘See, I retired. That is clear. But what you don’t understand is that I’m now retired from retirement. I’m sure this clears it all up.’, he said, grinning. We’re, however, not so sure it clears anything up.
Ganguly has also created a new storm within Bengal. ‘I see myself as a cricket administrator one day and also a CAB driver just like Jagmohan Dalmiya.’, said the ex-captain. This statement has enraged supporters of Mr.Dalmiya who demanded an explanation from Ganguly. Ganguly clarified, ‘See it was not something that was derogatory that I said against Mr.Dalmiya. By CAB, I was referring to the Cricket Association of Bengal. The president steers the association and hence can be considered that its driver. This was what I was referring to as a CAB driver.’ This clarification has since, lightened the mood considerably and now everyone in the association yearns to be a driver. Many of them are even getting their drivers’ licenses renewed.
Newcastle 4 – 4 Arsenal
In the aftermath of what was one of the most lopsided matches in recent times, the Arsenal players have attacked the referee, Phil Dowd, for handing out two penalties to Newcastle that were not really penalties at all. They felt that the referee was biased. Arsenal were 4-0 up in 25 minutes but squandered the lead to finish the match 4-4. Phil Dowd awarded two dubious second half penalties thereby allowing Newcastle back into the game. When the Arsenal players complained incessantly against the injustice, Phil Dowd apparently use language that was uncalled for. ‘I won’t repeat what words he came out with but they should never come from a referee.’, said Backary Sagna. When asked what exactly it was, he said, ‘how would I know? I speak French and he spoke in English. So how would I know what he said? But whatever he said, I’m sure it was bad and he should never have said it.’ ‘ Why can’t I repeat it? Well, how many times must I tell you?! I don’t know English.’, he added, in a state of agitation.
Arsenal fans, however, were convinced that the referee had been bribed. ‘Can’t you see that the ref was bribed? I mean, it was so blatant! How could he have given those decisions? You know, Newcastle were awfully quiet in the transfer market but made a lot of money selling Andy Carroll but people fail to notice the new number nine at the club – Phil Dowd!’, said a disgruntled fan. There were even shouts of ‘Arsene! Sign him up!’ with regards to Dowd from the amused Newcastle fans who couldn’t believe their luck. Clearly, they hadn’t lost their sense of humor.
The men in blue to be felicitated
With public opinion firmly against the UPA government in light of the recent price rise and inflation, the union HRD minister, Kapil Sibal, has taken it upon himself to reverse the fortunes of the government. He has hit upon a brilliant idea to use the popularity of cricket among Indians to score some brownie points. ‘If India wins the world cup, we shall felicitate the winning heroes. For this, I am announcing here that the winning heroes will be made part of folklore and part of Indian history. If India wins, I will change a long standing nursery rhyme – Jack and Jill. I will personally make it, “Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water from the well of course. You know, Jack fell down and …” Also, the popular story of little red riding hood shall be changed to little blue riding hood, in honor of the world cup winning heroes. Seeing that many of them have not completed their class XII, I shall even waive these off.’, he added.
Eager to cash in on the popularity, in an unheard of step, Mr.Sibal has also taken responsibility for India’s finest hour in cricket. ‘I am Kapil and I led India to world cup glory in 1983.’, he claimed. ‘No one can deny me or the UPA govt. this. It was all due to the leadership of Sonia ji and Manhohan ji. Without them, this victory would not have been possible. I think the real credit goes to them. I would also like to thank my family and friends for supporting me and helping me through troubled time. I would also like to thank Sonia ji and … er, I’ve said that already, haven’t I?…’ Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee, however, is said to be incensed that his name was not mentioned and hence has decided to cut the Union HRD ministry’s budget, according to reports.
Kubica survives
Robert Kubica, the Polish F1 driver was involved in a horrific accident when he was racing in a rally car. His car was involved in a high speed shunt putting his life in serious danger. His arm and leg were said to be in critical condition and he was immediately rushed to the hospital and after a 7-hour surgery, the doctor came out and said triumphantly, ‘We’ve operated for a marathon 7 hours and have managed to saver Kubica’s hand.’ ‘When he came in, it was cold and almost gone but we have used great ingenuity and have managed to save his hand’, he said, beaming. At this point, one reporter (we are too humble to say that it was one of our reporters) asked, ‘What about the rest of him? Did you manage to save that as well?’ Upon hearing this, the doctor was heard mumbling something and dashed back into the operating theatre. We have sources who tell us that these were the precise words that the doctor mumbled: ‘Damn it! I knew I’d forgotten something!’ Thankfully, Robert Kubica is safe but it will be a while yet until he returns to competitive racing.
That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …