Controversially yours

Hello there!

I see you have seen me and fail to recognize me. That is probably because my face now has as much botox as has J.Lo in her, er, never mind. No problem. I, as you all know now, am me.

I am sure you remember me. I am that chap who was on a one man mission against the stumps of the world. I hated the damn things. Hence I broke a great many of them. I bowl. Bowled, might be more apt. I was a bowler. Now I wear a bowler! Ha! See! I’m witty! That’s why I have a book and you don’t! Ha!

Anyway, I’m sure you already know who I am. I am that fellow who used to bowl real fast. Some were, of course, jealous. Hence they called me a chucker. Now you tell me this. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Or how fast would I chuck if I could chuck? Gotcha! Ha!

You’ve probably seen my varied hairstyles and hair-dos, and some hair don’ts as well. So don’t. Or do. As you like it. I have plugs now. Or so you think. I like to think of them as rooted to the crease. Of my head. Not the crease lines on my forehead. Which I like to think of as the boundary. Four-head. Boundary. Get it? Ha ha! I told you I was witty.

Fun fact: Did you know that I was the only one from my generation to never retire? Not once! I can see that disbelieving look on your face. Allow me to dispel the notion. Go and check for any records of me retiring. I shall give you two minutes. I see you have come back and have not been able to find a thing. I see that you jaw is on the floor failing to comprehend my stupendous feat. You are thinking of how I can be so supremely gifted and yet not have retired even once in spite of my contemporaries retiring at least once and in some cases, many times over. Well, that’s just me! Wink!

OK, I am retired now but I have never been retired in the past. Or so I think. Wait. Yes. I just confirmed. Never retired; only banned. Don’t look at me like that. There is a difference. Don’t believe me? Look it up!

Well, what can I say? I am special. Some people even called me the Rawalpindi express. Pfft! I hereby anoint myself ‘The Rawalpindi jet’. A train is too slow for me. I’m leaving on a jet plane. Now, don’t mock me because of my extreme bulk and size. I am not a jumbo jet. Not yet, anyway.

So I’ve written some stuff in my book. I have written Sachin, in the early part of his career, could finish a game. Well, I stand by it. Have you ever seen Sachin finish a game when he was 15? No? See! That’s what I meant! He only debuted at 16 and so could not finish a game at 15! And you think I’m stupid! Ha!

I see that the book launch in India has been called off because of this. Their loss, for they shall never get to see the epicness that is me in person talking about the epicness that is my book.  I also see that Wasim Akram has said that I have always been a problem when I was playing and continue to be one when I am retired. Hmmm. I am still looking for a good retort. I shall revert to you when I have one.

Last, but not the least, the PCB wants me to behave rationally. They want me to behave rationally? Really? Ha ha! I find that to be a bit of a farce. I have behaved nothing but rationally. I have not spoken a word about how someone at the PCB loved Brian Adams so much that he decided that Afridi ought to be 18 till he dies or about how the PCB actually thought that a matrimonial website was designed to fix matches. And they call me irrational. Humbug!

Controversially yours,


P.S I just found that retort. Wasim Akram spelt backwards reads Misaw Marka. Ha ha ha! See! I told you I was clever. What? You don’t get the joke? Pfft!