The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 4

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,
a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.


On tonight’s show:

  • The Micromax cup
  • Something fishy about Vishy
  • CWG pullout
  • Tiger Woods gets divorced
  • Wasim Akram


The Micromax cup
India played 2 matches in the micromax cup this past week with mixed results. While they lost to Sri Lanka in what was their worst ever defeat in terms on balls remaining, they beat New Zealand comprehensively to reach the final.

The first match was marked by a dismal batting performance with India all out for 103. This was not short of controversy though. When India were at  99-9, TV replays showed that Suraj Randiv tried to slyly slip in a no-ball to deny India a century. Yet, Team India managed to bat beautifully and made a brilliant century. After reaching the milestone, the players collectively held their bat aloft to acknowledge the cheers.

The second game saw a reversal in fortunes for team India. They made only a half decent 223 but bowled New Zealand out for 118, thereby reaching the Micromax cup final. India had New Zealand on the ropes at 43-6 but were hit back by a whirlwind half century by Kyle Mills. ‘The way he was swinging the bat, he was like a windmill’, remarked Dhoni at the post match press conference. When asked what the final will be like, he replied with a grin, ‘nothing like anything!’ When Ross Taylor was quizzed about the dismal effort of his team, he replied in true Micromax fashion, ‘we’re really sorry.’ The sponsors, Micromax, are truly getting their money’s worth.

Meanwhile, regional divides within India suddenly, inadvertently took an upturn during the India-New Zealand game when Tim Southee bowled to Virender Sehwag. Since Sehwag is from Delhi, it was clearly a case of a Southee  vs Nothee. Thankfully, however, this did not escalate into full scale violence as both the Southees and the Northees alike turned their wrath in the direction of the hapless Ravindra Jadeja, who seems to be taking flak from all directions.


Something fishy about Vishy
Vishwananthan Anand, India’s most recognizable chessman and current world champion has been denied a honorary doctorate which was to be conferred upon him in the ongoing International Congress of Mathematicians (ICM). The doctorate was to be conferred by the Central university of Hyderabad (UoH). When permission was sought by the Executive Organizing Committee (EOC) of the ICM, the Ministry of HRD(MHRD) apparently denied permission questioning Anand’s Indian-ness, since Anand is an NRI living in Spain. They said that there was some clearance that was required for further processing.

The matter was to be sent to the President for approval but never was. The MHRD is understood to have not wanted to burden the President from her already packed schedule. A schedule that comprised of, among other important activities like flying fighter planes and posing for excellent photo ops, attending the ICM.

Anand is understood to be hurt by this and was reportedly overheard as saying, ‘I want my country back.’ Kapil Sibal, Union HRD Minister, has since called up and apologized to Anand. ‘It was an oversight’, he said, ’one that never should have happened but it’s all sorted out now. Vishwananthan Anand will be conferred the honorary doctorate very soon. In compensation, I would like to personally exempt Anand from taking the class 10 and 12 board exams and would also like to give him 5 free passes to exams that he or any family member of his can show to get the exams waivered off.’

Anand, however, is not too sure of all this gestures. We hear that he is taking lessons from Sanjay Dutt and Raju Hirani on how to become a doctor, a la, Munnabhai MBBS. Two Hindi movie fans were overheard discussing the whole controversy: ‘Pardes’, accused one. ‘Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani’ pleaded the other. Looks like Anand felt like Mr.India – invisible.


CWG pullout
Yet another week, yet another setback. This seems to be the theme of these Commonwealth Games. After all the controversies surrounding the games, it is now time for controversies on it. Many of the top athletes have pulled out of the games citing their packed schedule as the reason. Whether it is this or whether they feel the games are not quite important enough, is anyone’s guess. Schedules of major international events like cycling world championships, tennis masters series and athletic events clash with the CWG.

The tennis team of India is also threatening to pull out because of unpaid dues. Said Mahesh Bhupathi, ‘I’ve been sending taxi and hotel bills for reimbursement but I’ve so far not got anything.’ The All India Tennis Association (AITA) says that it has forwarded the claims to the ministry and asked them to pay $115 in compensation per say. When contacted, the ministry officials say that since the players did not use the ‘fasttrack’ services, they would not be reimbursed.

Meanwhile, unlike she stated on this show last week, Stephanie Rice has indeed decided to undergo shoulder surgery and will miss the CWG. When asked about her fondness for basmati that she gave as a reason for wanting to come to India, she had a one word reply this time as well: ‘Import’.

Mr. Suresh Kalmadi was asked what he felt about this latest fiasco. He brushed it off and said that it didn’t bother him too much. ‘So what if these stars are not coming? We have plenty of stars. In October, the Delhi skies are very clear and we can get to see a lot of stars. Not only stars, constellations as well. And during the day, the brightest star, the sun, is also very much visible. So it’s not a problem at all.’ Clearly, Mr.Kalmadi has a very firm grasp on the situation, and indeed a sound knowledge of astronomy.


Tiger Woods gets divorced
Tiger Woods, after months of scam and speculation, finally laid to rest the entire philandering saga by signing on the dotted line and getting divorced from Elin Nordegen. The divorce finally went through on Monday. After the divorce, Elin spoke out for the first time and said, ’I felt like my whole world had fallen apart. I loved him. We had so much fun and I felt safe with him.’ She felt safe with him and now we have learned that she has ordered a state-of-the-art safe to store the proceeds from the divorce. The divorce settlement is rumored to be in the region of $100 million USD.

Tiger Woods, when interviewed, said that he was saddened by the entire ordeal. When asked what his immediate plan was, he smiled hopefully and said, ‘birdies.’ We assume he meant the golfing kind.


Wasim Akram
The Pakistani fast bowling great, Wasim Akram was caught up in a row with Indian skipper, M.S.Dhoni over his comments about Indian fast bowlers being ‘softies.’ He was referring to the bowlers not being fit enough. M.S.Dhoni apparently heard only half of this and launched into a strong defence of his bowlers. ‘We are not softies’, he said. ‘If anything, we are more of a team of Frostiks and Cornettos. There are even some of these players who have grown up loving Max Fun Orange and Fun Joos but to call us softies is preposterous.’

When Wasim Akram clarified that he was indeed talking about the fitness of the bowlers, Dhoni retracted his criticism and said that he had spoken in the heat of the moment. ‘You know, when we speak in the heat of the moment, we say things that we don’t really mean.’ He even joked, ‘In the heat of the moment, the softie is most likely going to melt.’ ‘But in all seriousness’, he continued, ‘ even our bowlers are not softies. We may have the occasional Sundae on our Sunday off but not a softie by any means.’


That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …