Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,
a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.
On tonight’s show:
More trouble at the World Cup
Silly season
Pakistan captain-less
…In other news
More trouble at the world cup
With the world cup approaching in a fortnight, there seems to be no end to the debacles that seem to be happening in the world cup venues. In the most recent incident, a wall has collapsed in the M.A.Chidambaram stadium at Chepauk, Chennai. While it is only a compound wall and is not inside the stadium per se, the media have had a field day with headlines such as ‘The wall fall’ and ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall; the wall had a great fall’. While they have not had much to chew on in terms of controversy since the CWG, the media have lapped it up with both arms. We contacted the ground officials and they were quick to point out that it was not a great thing and that too much was being made of it. ‘See, it was only a compound wall. There was a problem with the chemical actually. When we built the wall all those years ago, we were still arguing about the compound that the wall should be made of. I remember that I was part of that committee and I remember telling them that it would cause a chemical defect later but they did not listen to me at the time.’
Clearly, the officials are not to be deterred and have said, ‘The compound wall shall be put in place very soon. How are we so sure? Well, Mr. N.Srinivasan has promised us free bags of India Cements for the construction.’ When quizzed on the fact that the original wall itself had been using India cements, he said, ‘See, past is past and cement is cement.’ We’re still trying to evaluate the meaning of the cryptic message.
Meanwhile, there has been utter chaos at the ticketing counters, with only a single counter issuing tickets at many stadia. This has led to people standing in lines that have stretched into kilometers. When the BCCI was asked for a comment on this, they said, ‘We follow the model of the Indian railways – the single window system.’ The railways, however, meant that any counter could be used for any purpose. Clearly, the BCCI were taking the name a bit too literally.
Rumors are also rife that there is a major problem in the completion of the Wankhede in Mumbai, the venue that is slated to host the final. After the Eden Gardens debacle, the BCCI officials have been quick to point out that this is not the case. ‘The stadium in Mumbai is in perfect order. It is ready’, a spokesperson said. When asked which stadium in Munbai, the answer was, ‘the stadium.’ We leave it to the readers to interpret. Rumor has it, though, that Mr.Sharad Pawar has sweetened the deal for the ICC officials.
Silly season
January 31st , the final day of the January transfer window proved to be one of the most intriguing in recent times. Big money moves saw Fernando Torres move to Chelsea and Luiz Suarez and Andy Carroll moving to Liverpool.
Fernando Torres sealed his 50 million pound move from Liverpool to Chelsea. He was apparently disillusioned with his time in Liverpool and wanted to move to greater challenges. He even handed in a transfer request. Chelsea smelt blood and in true Marlon Brando style, Roman Abramovich made Liverpool, ‘an offer they couldn’t refuse.’ On being unveiled as Chelsea’s new number 9, he said, ‘I’m very happy to have signed for Chelsea. It has always been my dream to play for Chelsea.’ It may be remembered that on signing for Liverpool, Torres remarked, ‘It has always been my dream to play for Liverpool. They have been my boyhood club.’ Clearly, he has progressed to his manhood dream from his childhood one – Liverpool to Chelsea. Close associates of Torres, though, have told us that the striker wanted a change of scene. Said a source (who wishes to remain anonymous), ‘Nando wanted a change of scene. He’s played all his life in red and wanted to play in blue. Recently, he even started watching cricket and is enamored by the Indian cricket team in particular. He wants to be a man in blue. Also, he is a great fan of the captain, M.S Dhoni.’ When we approached Dhoni for a comment on this, he said, ‘well of course!’
Meanwhile, Luis Suarez finally completed his much prolonged move from Ajax to Liverpool for a sum in excess of 23 million pounds. Said Suarez, ‘It’s a dream come true. I’ve always wanted to play for Liverpool and it is like a dream come true.’ Yes, just like you, we’re also still looking for the folks who prepare these ‘new arrival’ speeches and reword them according to the player.
In one of the most bizzare transfers of the season, Andy Carroll has moved from Newcastle United to Liverpool for a sum of 35 million pounds, a sum that has left most people absolutely baffled. Balking at the price tag, fans have been left shocked. While they feel let down and betrayed by Carroll, they can’t help but feel that they’ve gotten a lot of money. Said one fan, ‘I’m gutted at the way he has left. He was such a cult hero here but he’s only played half a season in the premiership and he’s already worth 35 million? Well, I’ll take the money!’
The plot thickens though, with Carroll claiming that he was forced out of Newcastle and did not really want to leave. He sent text messages to his mate who worked in a newspaper which read, ‘gutted. Am being forced out.’ ‘Looks like I have to go. Unfortunate.’ These have created a lot of sympathy for Carroll but later in the day wikiLeaks has released an as yet un-read text which says ‘ha! Finally getting out of jail.’ While Carroll probably meant that he was no longer going to wear the jail-like outfit of Newcastle, this has evoked outrage among the Newcastle fans who are now praising Mike Ashley. One of them said, ‘Mike Ashley is great. We thought he was like Scrooge – miserly but we know that he has done a good bit of business. Looks like our Christmas Carroll came slightly late.’ Clearly, there is no shortage of puns in the Dickensian Geordie region.
Pakistan still skipper-less
With the world cup barely a fortnight away, the Pakistani team is yet to know who will lead them out for their first game at the world cup. The selectors are yet to decide on a captain for the world cup. While the current ODI captain, Shahid Afridi seems to be the prime candidate, the test captain, Misbah-Ul-Haq seems to be in the running for the ill-fated job. ‘This is a very difficult choice to make. While on one hand, Misbah’s frank attitude and catch dropping skills are hard to overlook, Afridi stakes a strong claim with his ball eating ability. It is a very difficult task to choose between the two.’, said the chairman of selectors. Meanwhile, there have been radical suggestions about multiple captaincy. Greg Chappell, it seems, has been appointed for this purpose. ‘We are currently not ruling out any possibility. We are exploring the multiple captaincy theory as well. We’ve appointed Greg Chappell as a consultant on these matters and we will come to a consensus very soon. We shall soon fix the captaincy’, he said. The press was asked to not read much into the ‘fix’ part.
Meanwhile, it has emerged that the Pakistan team is on a high after trouncing New Zealand in the One day series. ‘Yes, we have been playing well but it is the world cup that counts. Beating New Zealand is not that big a deal. It is the fourth game of the World cup that is most crucial for us. I don’t know who it is against but it is most crucial.’, said Afridi. In case you were wondering, Pakistan’s fourth game is against New Zealand. Afridi certainly stakes a claim for the ‘brightest’ captain.
…In other news
A sudden protest burst out in Sri Lanka. The reason was a classic case of mistaken identity. Trying to mirror their counterparts in Egypt, sympathizers of the anti-government protesters in Egypt staged an impromptu protest on the streets of Colombo. 
Their target: Jehan Mubarak, the Sri Lankan cricketer. ‘We are outraged at the events unfolding in Egypt and are compelled by duty to do something. This is what we will do!’, said a protester. ‘So what if his first name is not Hossni? He’s still a Mubarak!’, justified another. While Jehan has been left speechless and wondering what he has done wrong, the people are in no mood to give up. Rumor has it that president Obama has called up this Mubarak as well and asked him to step down from his post as soon as possible.
Brushing aside questions of his inclusion in the world cup side, Piyush Chawla has come out fighting and has said, ‘I’ve proved myself many times in the past. I’m a class performer. No one can doubt that. Hence I deserve to be in the squad. I have proved in the past and I will prove it again.’ Fans, though, are still not in the least convinced of the selection. ‘He’s proved,eh? And he will prove again, eh? Well, I bet he’s talking about proving the Pythogoras theorem. I know that he failed his class XII exam and has one coming up again soon. I bet he’s talking about proving this.’
Meanwhile, Harry Redknapp, manager of Tottenham Hotspur football club has revealed how he failed in a 35 million pound bid for Giuseppe Rossi of Villareal.
‘We tried to get him but we couldn’t. We put in a bid for him and also Sergio Aguero.’ Just when he thought he had finished, he went on, ’…and Samuel Eto’o and Lionel Messi and Karim Benzema and Gonzalo Higuain and ..’ Due to a lack of time, and because we were to cover another event, we had to leave at that point in time. However, we have it from good sources that his recital of his striker bids is still going on. We hope to catch it soon and will report back to you.
The West Indies cricket team has been facing a strange phenomenon off late. All their matches seem to get rained off. Be it in Sri Lanka, England or the West Indies itself, 
the West Indian team just seems to be unable to complete a one-day match. ‘This is perpetrated by the ICC. They are afraid that the West Indies will become a powerhouse again and win everything. Also, we are seriously thinking of suing the weather. We have formed a strong case and we shall soon be moving to court against global warming itself.’, said a spokesperson of the West Indies cricket board. Not everyone, however, is convinced that it is the weather gods who are responsible. ‘I think it is the IPL that we should blame. Ever since Chris Gayle went to the IPL, he became a big fan of numerology and suddenly dropped the ‘y’ from his name. He is now “Gale” and of course, when there is gale, there is rain.’
That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …