The water cooler at the office is broken. It’s a sweltering 100 degrees outside. Damn. The cooler is still in one piece, if that’s what you’re asking. Quite simply, it does not dispense cold water. In that sense, it’s broken. No one seems to be bothered. Idiots!
Do I walk over to the next floor every time I want a drink of cold water? Not on your life. I am, of course, a man of action. I shall go and find someone to fix it. I send out an e-mail asking if anyone knows who I should contact. No reply. Morons! I call up security. Apparently, I need to file a complaint with the housekeeping department. Off I go.
I wait for the elevator. That’s probably the most counter-productive activity that employees engage in; waiting for the elevator. I twiddle my thumbs. I look up; I look down. I look sideways. No sign of the elevator. I look straight ahead. I haven’t pressed the button to call the elevator. Damn! I press the button. I look sideways. I look up; I look down. I look behind. God damn! It’s her! The one girl, in the presence of whom, I cannot bring myself to utter one coherent sentence. Of course, it makes it all the more stupid that she’s the one I fancy. Too many times have I been tongue tied. She probably thinks I’m an ass. Perhaps not. I shall take no chances.
I look to the left. Nothing. I look to the right. Photocopier room! Thank you, God! I get in. I close the door but leave it ajar. I look through the crack. She’s headed straight to me! Damn! Confined space. Nowhere to hide. Think! Think, damn it! Think! Too late. She’s come inside. Quick. Turn to the photocopier. Act busy. Well done. No wait. I have nothing to photocopy. Quick! Take the first thing that comes into your hand. A blank paper! Capital! Start the infernal machine already! Done. So I’m photocopying blank sheets. Brilliant!
Don’t turn around. It’s probably a figment of your imagination.
Most definitely not. She’s there and she’s seen you. Be cool. Cool as a freaking cucumber. Who made that phrase anyway? I turn. There’s no turning back now. God damn! I just realized. I have the photocopied blank sheet in my hand. And my hand is frozen. I can’t even hide it. Busted!
She smiles. That giggle! Congratulations, mate! You just moved from ‘ass’ to ‘the most idiotic moronic ass. Ever.’ Damage control time. Run!
Phew! Great escape. Oh God, no! The elevator door just closed. I just missed it. Useless! Do I wait? Can I risk it? One quick look taken at the photocopier room. She’s there. Damage control mode still activated. Run! SIX FLIGHTS OF STAIRS? Are you insane?! Answer: Yes. Johnny Walker. Keep walking. I walk. Six flights.
Housekeeping Department. Finally! Go in. You know that satisfaction that you get when you can see your target right there? Well, I don’t. The God damn thing is closed! God damn! Turn back. Go toward the elevator. Press the button. Ha! At least I’m not stupid. No, wait. What now? You have got to be kidding me! Fire drill in Building B and hence no elevators in buildings A and B work? Really? Where is the logic in that? Morons!
Blackberry beeping. The boss. ‘I want to meet you. Take your time but be at my desk in 3 minutes.’ Not all that bad. I can hitch a few minutes. Wait. Blackberry beeping. ‘Or consider finding another job.’ SIX FREAKING FLIGHTS OF STAIRS! Run! I’m running. One. Two. Five. Six. Made it! Phew! Quick check of the watch. Two minutes. Not bad. Not bad at all. Well done. Fish in right pocket. Fish in left pocket. Fish in suit pocket. God damn! No key card. God damn!
Perhaps I should consider that sound word of advice. Is my resume even current? Do I even have a resume? Damn! No, wait. Sliver of light. Try the door. It’s unlocked. The key card was not needed at all. Idiot! Run! Run past desk. Run to the end of the corridor. ‘Boss?’ Where is he? Well within 3 minutes. He’s not here?! I ran up SIX FREAKING GOD DAMN FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!
No, wait. Fish in pocket. Blackberry has flashed. I was too busy to notice. ‘Nothing urgent. Sorry for the trouble. Leaving for home. Will meet tomorrow.’ I’d rather not say the vocabulary building up in my mind at the moment. On the bright side, at least I don’t have to make a resume. Hold that thought. Might be good to keep one ready just in case.
Walk back to the desk. Switch on the computer. Message. ‘Since you left your computer unlocked and went outside your work area, the IT team has had to lock it for the time being. Please come to the IT department to unlock your account. The IT department is situated on the 19th floor. SEVEN FREAKING FLIGHTS OF STAIRS! God damn!
I need a drink. A stiff one. Wait. This is the office. No booze. Who came up with that idea, anyway? Idiots! Well, the next best thing. Walk to the cooler. Press the button. Aah! Water. Wait. Hold that thought. I forgot. No cold water. God damn. Could something else go wrong? No way.
Hold that thought. I think I just saw her and she’s headed to the water cooler.