Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly-once-in-a-while review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,
a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.
On tonight’s show:
Dada is back
The IPL rolls on
Man United and Barca
Saina-Gopi
Man City
Dada is back
Sourav Ganguly fans rejoiced as they saw Dada in action again. Only this time, he turned out in the colors of the Pune Warriors. He stroked a fluent 32* in his first game back against the Deccan Chargers. Fans all over India were heralding the return of the charismatic ex-captain and were hailing it as a new dawn in Indian cricket. Said one supporter, ‘this is truly a new leaf in the book of Indian cricket. Dada has moved to Pune and has shown that moving all over India is now simple and easy. He has proved once again that India is becoming like Pakistan. Retired players are coming back to play and then going back into retirement. All he has to do is get a ban and soon he will be offered honorary Pakistani citizenship because he has almost fulfilled all the criteria to be a Pakistani player. He has also been a captain. We would like to wish Dada all the very best!’
When asked on how it felt to be part of the Pune franchise, Dada replied, ‘well, it’s not really that different. When I was in KKR, the first season, we played in a black jersey. Now I am in Pune and playing in a black jersey. When I played for KKR, we were at or near the bottom of the league. And now Pune are near the bottom of the league. The only difference is that Shah Rukh Khan is not here. But that is ok. Now that, from Kolkata, the King is gone, the King is Khan’, he said, clearly in his self-modesty mode. With the left being walloped by the Trinamool congress, there is talk of Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee following Dada to Pune and contesting for re-election.
The IPL rolls on
After an exhilarating world cup, the cricket just does not seem to stop. The IPL juggernaut continues to roll on with exxxxttraaaa innings, more exxxxtraaaaaa innings and even more exxxxxtraaaa innings. When asked about the naming convention, the head of Sony said, ‘see, we are very committed to the promotion of traditional values in cricket. Even though the IPL is a T20 tournament, by giving extra innings, we are promoting test match culture. Also, we promote viewership of technically correct batting by placing the likes of Arun Lal and Navjot Sidhu on the screen. They were technically sound batsmen on their day.’ When asked what about when it was not their day, he responded, ‘they were batsman.’ Insightful.
Chris has whipped up a gale in the IPL storming to the leaderboard of the orange cap standings. With hitting prowess as this, other teams have been left pulling their hair out at missing out on signing him for a measly $400,000. When asked, Gayle said, ‘Ya mon! Those men did not buy me but here I am in Bengaluru. I’m royal, mon! I just want to hit the ball and I am hitting the ball very well mon! I also like that flashy orange cap, mon. That’s why I’m scoring this way.’ Indian captain M.S Dhoni seems to have discovered his brutal streak once again. When quizzed, he said, ‘well of course.’ Typical.
On a side note, Sreesanth seems to have developed a thought that he is the best batsman in the league. ‘I have orange cap’, he said, referring to the Kochi Tusker’s cap color, and continued, ‘but in that cap purple color is also there. So I am best bowler also. I am best all-rounder. I will win Kerala election’, he said and wheeled off in a dance of triumph.
Man United and Barca
Manchester United have all but wrapped up their record 19th title with a win over reigning champions Chelsea. United only need one point out of their remaining two games to secure yet another title for Sir Alex Fergusson. ‘We knocked them off their perch’, read many a tweet, the ‘perch’ was apparently very clever since it was used on twitter with all the birds and all that. ‘Whoa! I’m gonna be a champion for the first time! Proud of myself. Awesome! I am epic! Wow! Awesome! They couldn’t have done it without me’, tweeted Michael Owen, whose chief job these days seems to be that of a cheerleader on twitter.
Barcelona have sown up their third successive title with a 1-1 draw in midweek. The players were expectedly ecstatic and partied hard into the night. Pep Guarliola sipped wine and threatened to quit in mental exhaustion. Lionel Messi kept running around between the other players shouting, ‘Goal!’. Dani Alves kept running up and down in straight lines. Puyol could not see anything through his mop of hair. Iniesta shied away. Mascherano did not know what to do. Xavi kept possession of the ball.
Sergio Busquets fell to the ground clutching his face.
Saina-Gopi
After months of speculation, it seems that a formal split is on the cards between World number 4, Saina Nehwal and long-time mentor and coach, Pullela Gopichand. Gopichand has revealed that Saina has written to the Sports Authority of India (SAI) that she wanted to train under P. Bhaskar Babu, a coach of the national team.
‘It is only a rumor. I have no problems with Gopi sir’, said Saina. Gopi said, ‘I don’t really have a problem with that. She has written to SAI, that she wants to work with Babu. I have heard that she was an ardent admirer of Sai Baba and now that he is no more, she wants to continue with SAI Babu. It is a purely emotional decision and I cannot help it. But, I have been approached by Sania to coach her. Apparently, Sania is tired of tennis because the racquet is very heavy and wants to take up badminton. Also, the Shuttle Federation’s new rule of wearing skirts seems to appeal greatly to Sania. She is very interested in taking up the sport and I am sure she will be a great success. Also, it won’t make much of a difference to me because ‘Saina’ and ‘Sania’ are anagrams.’
Man City
Facing a major PR disaster, Manchester City have come out and apologized to their hardcore fans about The Bluffer’s guide to MCFC that they published on their site. The page is an entry into the world of Man City for the new fans who according to the club ‘will start following the club now that there is champions league football.’ The old faithful are enraged about this document and feel that it is an insult to the existing supporters. ‘How dare they insult us this way? Do they think that they are being clever? How dare they say that “traditionally we don’t like red as a color?” This is an outrage. In fact, even outrage is generally represented in red to show the anger! They think that they are improving the marketing and branding when all they are doing is improving the … wait that did not come out right. They think they are being very clever by getting more people to support the club when they are clearly going to have more sup… No wait. That did not come out right either. Bah! You get my point. What they are doing is wrong. Don’t ask me why it is wrong. But it is wrong.’
Roberto Mancini, in his accented English said, ‘Congrats to AC Milan for winning the title. I think they played very well throughout the season. Good for them. But they won the title in Italy and we finished fourth in England. There is a difference, you see. That is Italy, and this is England. You see?’ We did see but were tempted to ask him the context of these comments. Before we could, he added, ‘that’s why it is different.’ Before we could clarify the situation, he was ushered away by a member of the Man City staff who claimed it was an ‘emergency’.
We later learned that Mario Balotelli had problems putting on his training bib again. Also, apparently, it was meal time and Mancini had to feed him Cerelac. After that, Balotelli drove off in his Maseratti.
That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …