The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 5

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

The Commonwealth Games Village

A bridge collapses, and so does a ceiling

Yuvi dropped

Mr.Butt

In other news …

The Commonwealth Games Village

With barely 10 days to go for the start of the commonwealth games, the latest complaint has come in. This time, it is regarding the state of the living facilities. The New Zealand team is apparently unhappy with the state of the living conditions provided to their athletes. Said a spokesperson, ‘the living conditions are deplorable. Back home in New Zealand, we live in style. We provide all our guests with great accommodation but the ones provided to us are sub-standard. Here there are leaky toilets, unclean toilets and there is even one toilet with no toilet at all, just a hole.’ We told him that it was what we called an ‘Indian style toilet’ and he said, ‘Oh!’ When asked what major sporting event New Zealand has hosted in the past, the spokesperson confidently said, ‘The All New Zealand World Kiwi fruit eating championship.’

Also there were found to be faeces in the living quarters. Officials were nonchalant about this, shrugging it off indifferently saying, ‘Shit happens.’ Also, there were found dogs sleeping on the beds in the rooms. The officials were of contrasting opinions when quizzed on the subject. Some said that since a dog is a man’s best friend, it was entitled to this luxury. Others said that it was a sort of a trial run before the real thing. Maneka Gandhi is apparently incensed by the whole incident and has called for a ban on animal testing.
Meanwhile, before anyone could point fingers at Mr.Kalmadi, he came out and defended himself. ‘See, I told the government right at the beginning.’, he said, ‘I told them that for a games of this magnitude, building a games village would not suffice. I told them that we ought to build a games city or at the very least, a games town but they flatly refused my proposal. See now what has happened!

The officials-in-charge, however, were in denial. ‘It’s the fault of the rains. We had nothing to do with it. I promise you that we took all the precautions necessary. How were we to know that it would rain this heavily? I mean, we are not meteorologists.’ When asked why they had not consulted meteorologists, they responded, ‘the Indian met department is highly unreliable. But on second thought, we should have consulted with them. Maybe then, we could have blamed it on them.’

10 minutes later, an official press announcement was issued in which the meteorological department of India was blamed for not predicting the rain and that if India failed to deliver a good commonwealth games, rain would be banned from entering Delhi for the next 10 years. This was signed by Suresh Kalmadi.

A bridge collapses, and so does a ceiling

In yet another debacle, a foot over-bridge that was built collapsed just outside the sports complex injuring 23 people. Commonwealth games officials were left red-face with regards to the whole incident. They were quick to redress the situation though. Said an official, ‘yes, this has been a calamity of sorts but it’s not the end of the world. After all, it’s only an overbridge. That being said, we have decided to probe further into the matter. As of now, we squarely blame Jaypee cements. Clearly, their promise of ‘Andhar se solid’ was a lie. We have launched an inquiry into the matter and I am sure that we will get the results soon.’ We pointed out that they did not actually use Jaypee cement to which he answered, ‘So what?’

Meanwhile, while this was fresh in the memory, another embarrassing event occurred. A part of the false-ceiling in the weightlifting arena collapsed, leaving the organizing committee even more red-faced. When the officials were asked about this, they had a ready reply. ‘We were given a mandate to cut costs. Hence, now we figure that we don’t have to actually buy the weights. The athletes will be asked to life the parts of the ceiling itself. We are proud of this ingenious idea.’ ‘Also’, they added, ‘what is this fuss you are making? I don’t understand it. After all, it was only a false ceiling that collapsed. If it were the real ceiling, then there is cause for concern but since it’s only a false once, there is no harm done.’

Delhi Chief Minister, Ms.Sheila Dixit has come out in the media and appealed to the people to support the games. ‘Don’t look at minor glitches such as these. Look at the beautiful stadia that we have built for the games’, she said. ‘These setbacks have been bad, no doubt but there is room for optimism yet. On the bright side, we now have an open air stadium and can say that it is a rival to the Colosseum of Rome.’

Floods have ravaged Uttar Pradesh and more than 200 villages have been severely affected but apparently, the worst affected has been the CWG village in Delhi.

Yuvi dropped

The team for the upcoming test series against Australia has been announced and the most shocking news has been the omission of Yuvraj Singh. Debutant, Cheteshwar Pujara gets a callup in his place. Yuvraj was obviously disappointed. Said he, ‘Ya of course I am disappointed but in this stage of my life, disappointments are routine. In Sri Lanka, I scored a century and then a fifty but if that is not good enough, then I can’t help it.’ He added, ‘Yeh bhag dhod waali life mein thakna manaa hai. I am going to have 5 ReVital tablets each day. Then I can “jiyo jee bharkke.”‘ Clearly, the advertising money has been well spent.

Meanwhile, when the selectors were asked about the reason for this change, they said that it was a fitness issue. ‘You have seen that ReVital ad? That was the extent to which Yuvi is fit. Unfortunately, he can run only about 12 seconds on the treadmill. That is one of the main reasons for which he has not been included. I am sure that he will play domestic cricket and regain his form’, chairman of selectors, Kris Srikkanth told us. He added, ‘Right now, his form is not good. When all the other members of the squad are lean and rectangular, he is oval, with a pronounced mid-section and protruding belly. This form should improve.’ On the inclusion of the uncapped Pujara, he said, ‘Ya, the boy has been doing very well in the domestic circuit. See, also we are a very religious nation so a prayer, or Puja in the squad will also help us a lot.’

Mr. Butt

Mr. Ijaz Butt, chairman of the PCB has been hogging the limelight this past week with comments against the England Cricket Board (ECB) and the English players. After Pakistan won the third one-day against England, Mr.Butt came out and said, ‘It’s all a sham. These England players have been paid to lose to Pakistan. You are all blaming only the Pakistani cricketers of fixing matches but these England players are doing it too. I mean, see, the Pakistan players have decided to lose but in spite of that, if they still win, what does that show?’

When asked about the possibility of Pakistan actually playing well enough to win, he said, ‘What are you talking about? Pakistan has decided to lose. All the payments have been made. Didn’t you see the video?’ So when we asked him whether this proved that the Pakistan players were guilty, he said, ‘No! Of course not. I only made a reference to the video to emphasize that Pakistan players took money but I’m not saying that they were involved in any fixing. But I must say that England do fix matches.’ Needless to say, no one except Mr.Butt himself understands what he says.

The ECB has taken a grim view of these comments and has threatened to sue Mr.Butt. To these reports, he replied, ‘Ha! No problem I always welcome such stupid ideas. Besides, I am due for a wardrobe change now. So I welcome any sewing. It will at least save me the cost of going to a tailor to get my sewing done. Once they are done with sewing, I will sue them. See, I am very clever that way. Ha!’ Also, he launched an astonishing attack on the ICC. ‘The ICC are also involved in this match fixing. They know it is happening and yet are not doing anything about it. The CEO should be sacked. I am willing to put my name in the hat to be the next CEO. I will make sure that the ICC is run properly.’ We asked him if he knew the full-form of the acronym ICC to which he replied, ‘Of course! The International Corruption of Cricket! I am fully qualified to run it.’ He added finally, ‘Cricket is broken. Pakistan is trying to fix it. Please give them the credit they deserve.’

In other news …
West Indian cricket legend, Sir Garfield Sobers, this week, claimed that Shane Warne was not the greatest leg-spinner of all time. ‘Warne is undoubtedly a great spinner but he is not the greatest. I say this simply because he did not have a great googly to go with the spin. He was a great turner of the ball but his googly was nothing great. I feel that Subhash Gupte was better than him.’
Warne brushed off the remark saying, ‘Sir Gary is one of the greatest cricketers and I respect him immensely but I think he must have made this remark when he was drunk.’
Sir Gary retorted, ‘Everyone knows that I am a teetotaler. With a name such as ‘Sober’, how can I possibly be drunk?’

The Airtel Champions League T20 is heading towards its finale with the conclusion of the group stages. With Chennai Super Kings and Royal Challengers Bengaluru reaching the semi-finals, most cricket fans are not too sure if the IPL2 is still going on. Remarked one fan, ‘IPL2 was in South Africa; this is on South Africa. CSK and RCB made it to the semis then; they have made it to the semi-final now. What is the difference?!’
Meanwhile, The Mumbai Indians crashed out of the tournament and skipper, Sachin Tendulkar has spoken out against the fresh auctions ahead of IPL4. ‘We have worked hard in building the team and now, suddenly we have to be disbanded. This cannot be good for the game.’ With the teams allowed to retain only 4 players (only 2 foreigners), and the Mumbai Indians looking to retain the services of the West Indian duo of Pollard and Bravo, and Sri Lankan pacer, Lasith Malinga, the Mumbai Indians think tank has come up with an idea. ‘We have decided to cleverly bypass this rule of retaining only 2 foreign players. Mumbai is in West India. So we are going to change the name of our franchise to Mumbai West Indians. In doing this, Bravo and Pollard will become local players since they are West Indians anyway. Then we can keep Lasith Malinga as well!’

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. … Until next time, its good bye from us …