The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 10

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly-once-in-a-while review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.
Before we get to the show,

a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

On tonight’s show:

Dada is back
The IPL rolls on
Man United and Barca
Saina-Gopi
Man City

 

Dada is back

Sourav Ganguly fans rejoiced as they saw Dada in action again. Only this time, he turned out in the colors of the Pune Warriors. He stroked a fluent 32* in his first game back against the Deccan Chargers. Fans all over India were heralding the return of the charismatic ex-captain and were hailing it as a new dawn in Indian cricket. Said one supporter, ‘this is truly a new leaf in the book of Indian cricket. Dada has moved to Pune and has shown that moving all over India is now simple and easy. He has proved once again that India is becoming like Pakistan. Retired players are coming back to play and then going back into retirement. All he has to do is get a ban and soon he will be offered honorary Pakistani citizenship because he has almost fulfilled all the criteria to be a Pakistani player. He has also been a captain. We would like to wish Dada all the very best!’

When asked on how it felt to be part of the Pune franchise, Dada replied, ‘well, it’s not really that different. When I was in KKR, the first season, we played in a black jersey. Now I am in Pune and playing in a black jersey. When I played for KKR, we were at or near the bottom of the league. And now Pune are near the bottom of the league. The only difference is that Shah Rukh Khan is not here. But that is ok. Now that, from Kolkata, the King is gone, the King is Khan’, he said, clearly in his self-modesty mode. With the left being walloped by the Trinamool congress, there is talk of Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee following Dada to Pune and contesting for re-election.

 

The IPL rolls on

After an exhilarating world cup, the cricket just does not seem to stop. The IPL juggernaut continues to roll on with exxxxttraaaa innings, more exxxxtraaaaaa innings and even more exxxxxtraaaa innings. When asked about the naming convention, the head of Sony said, ‘see, we are very committed to the promotion of traditional values in cricket. Even though the IPL is a T20 tournament, by giving extra innings, we are promoting test match culture. Also, we promote viewership of technically correct batting by placing the likes of Arun Lal and Navjot Sidhu on the screen. They were technically sound batsmen on their day.’ When asked what about when it was not their day, he responded, ‘they were batsman.’ Insightful.

Chris has whipped up a gale in the IPL storming to the leaderboard of the orange cap standings. With hitting prowess as this, other teams have been left pulling their hair out at missing out on signing him for a measly $400,000. When asked, Gayle said, ‘Ya mon! Those men did not buy me but here I am in Bengaluru. I’m royal, mon! I just want to hit the ball and I am hitting the ball very well mon! I also like that flashy orange cap, mon. That’s why I’m scoring this way.’ Indian captain M.S Dhoni seems to have discovered his brutal streak once again. When quizzed, he said, ‘well of course.’ Typical.

On a side note, Sreesanth seems to have developed a thought that he is the best batsman in the league. ‘I have orange cap’, he said, referring to the Kochi Tusker’s cap color, and continued, ‘but in that cap purple color is also there. So I am best bowler also. I am best all-rounder. I will win Kerala election’, he said and wheeled off in a dance of triumph.

 

Man United and Barca

Manchester United have all but wrapped up their record 19th title with a win over reigning champions Chelsea. United only need one point out of their remaining two games to secure yet another title for Sir Alex Fergusson. ‘We knocked them off their perch’, read many a tweet, the ‘perch’ was apparently very clever since it was used on twitter with all the birds and all that. ‘Whoa! I’m gonna be a champion for the first time! Proud of myself. Awesome! I am epic! Wow! Awesome! They couldn’t have done it without me’, tweeted Michael Owen, whose chief job these days seems to be that of a cheerleader on twitter.

Barcelona have sown up their third successive title with a 1-1 draw in midweek. The players were expectedly ecstatic and partied hard into the night. Pep Guarliola sipped wine and threatened to quit in mental exhaustion. Lionel Messi kept running around between the other players shouting, ‘Goal!’. Dani Alves kept running up and down in straight lines. Puyol could not see anything through his mop of hair. Iniesta shied away. Mascherano did not know what to do. Xavi kept possession of the ball.

Sergio Busquets fell to the ground clutching his face.

 

Saina-Gopi


After months of speculation, it seems that a formal split is on the cards between World number 4, Saina Nehwal and long-time mentor and coach, Pullela Gopichand. Gopichand has revealed that Saina has written to the Sports Authority of India (SAI) that she wanted to train under P. Bhaskar Babu, a coach of the national team.

‘It is only a rumor. I have no problems with Gopi sir’, said Saina. Gopi said, ‘I don’t really have a problem with that. She has written to SAI, that she wants to work with Babu. I have heard that she was an ardent admirer of Sai Baba and now that he is no more, she wants to continue with SAI Babu. It is a purely emotional decision and I cannot help it. But, I have been approached by Sania to coach her. Apparently, Sania is tired of tennis because the racquet is very heavy and wants to take up badminton. Also, the Shuttle Federation’s new rule of wearing skirts seems to appeal greatly to Sania. She is very interested in taking up the sport and I am sure she will be a great success. Also, it won’t make much of a difference to me because ‘Saina’ and ‘Sania’ are anagrams.’


Man City


Facing a major PR disaster, Manchester City have come out and apologized to their hardcore fans about The Bluffer’s guide to MCFC that they published on their site. The page is an entry into the world of Man City for the new fans who according to the club ‘will start following the club now that there is champions league football.’ The old faithful are enraged about this document and feel that it is an insult to the existing supporters. ‘How dare they insult us this way? Do they think that they are being clever? How dare they say that “traditionally we don’t like red as a color?” This is an outrage. In fact, even outrage is generally represented in red to show the anger! They think that they are improving the marketing and branding when all they are doing is improving the … wait that did not come out right. They think they are being very clever by getting more people to support the club when they are clearly going to have more sup… No wait. That did not come out right either. Bah! You get my point. What they are doing is wrong. Don’t ask me why it is wrong. But it is wrong.’

Roberto Mancini, in his accented English said, ‘Congrats to AC Milan for winning the title. I think they played very well throughout the season. Good for them. But they won the title in Italy and we finished fourth in England. There is a difference, you see. That is Italy, and this is England. You see?’ We did see but were tempted to ask him the context of these comments. Before we could, he added, ‘that’s why it is different.’ Before we could clarify the situation, he was ushered away by a member of the Man City staff who claimed it was an ‘emergency’.

We later learned that Mario Balotelli had problems putting on his training bib again. Also, apparently, it was meal time and Mancini had to feed him Cerelac. After that, Balotelli drove off in his Maseratti.
 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …

The Lighter Side – This Week In Sport : Episode 4

Welcome to the another edition of ‘The lighter side – This week in Sport’, a weekly review show of all the goings on in the world of sport over the past week.

Before we get to the show,
a disclaimer: All the reports here are based on completely baseless unreliable sources. We only compile them and present it to you. If we catch hold of our reporters, we will sue them on your behalf.

 

On tonight’s show:

  • The Micromax cup
  • Something fishy about Vishy
  • CWG pullout
  • Tiger Woods gets divorced
  • Wasim Akram

 

The Micromax cup
India played 2 matches in the micromax cup this past week with mixed results. While they lost to Sri Lanka in what was their worst ever defeat in terms on balls remaining, they beat New Zealand comprehensively to reach the final.

The first match was marked by a dismal batting performance with India all out for 103. This was not short of controversy though. When India were at  99-9, TV replays showed that Suraj Randiv tried to slyly slip in a no-ball to deny India a century. Yet, Team India managed to bat beautifully and made a brilliant century. After reaching the milestone, the players collectively held their bat aloft to acknowledge the cheers.

The second game saw a reversal in fortunes for team India. They made only a half decent 223 but bowled New Zealand out for 118, thereby reaching the Micromax cup final. India had New Zealand on the ropes at 43-6 but were hit back by a whirlwind half century by Kyle Mills. ‘The way he was swinging the bat, he was like a windmill’, remarked Dhoni at the post match press conference. When asked what the final will be like, he replied with a grin, ‘nothing like anything!’ When Ross Taylor was quizzed about the dismal effort of his team, he replied in true Micromax fashion, ‘we’re really sorry.’ The sponsors, Micromax, are truly getting their money’s worth.

Meanwhile, regional divides within India suddenly, inadvertently took an upturn during the India-New Zealand game when Tim Southee bowled to Virender Sehwag. Since Sehwag is from Delhi, it was clearly a case of a Southee  vs Nothee. Thankfully, however, this did not escalate into full scale violence as both the Southees and the Northees alike turned their wrath in the direction of the hapless Ravindra Jadeja, who seems to be taking flak from all directions.

 

Something fishy about Vishy
Vishwananthan Anand, India’s most recognizable chessman and current world champion has been denied a honorary doctorate which was to be conferred upon him in the ongoing International Congress of Mathematicians (ICM). The doctorate was to be conferred by the Central university of Hyderabad (UoH). When permission was sought by the Executive Organizing Committee (EOC) of the ICM, the Ministry of HRD(MHRD) apparently denied permission questioning Anand’s Indian-ness, since Anand is an NRI living in Spain. They said that there was some clearance that was required for further processing.

The matter was to be sent to the President for approval but never was. The MHRD is understood to have not wanted to burden the President from her already packed schedule. A schedule that comprised of, among other important activities like flying fighter planes and posing for excellent photo ops, attending the ICM.

Anand is understood to be hurt by this and was reportedly overheard as saying, ‘I want my country back.’ Kapil Sibal, Union HRD Minister, has since called up and apologized to Anand. ‘It was an oversight’, he said, ’one that never should have happened but it’s all sorted out now. Vishwananthan Anand will be conferred the honorary doctorate very soon. In compensation, I would like to personally exempt Anand from taking the class 10 and 12 board exams and would also like to give him 5 free passes to exams that he or any family member of his can show to get the exams waivered off.’

Anand, however, is not too sure of all this gestures. We hear that he is taking lessons from Sanjay Dutt and Raju Hirani on how to become a doctor, a la, Munnabhai MBBS. Two Hindi movie fans were overheard discussing the whole controversy: ‘Pardes’, accused one. ‘Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani’ pleaded the other. Looks like Anand felt like Mr.India – invisible.

 

CWG pullout
Yet another week, yet another setback. This seems to be the theme of these Commonwealth Games. After all the controversies surrounding the games, it is now time for controversies on it. Many of the top athletes have pulled out of the games citing their packed schedule as the reason. Whether it is this or whether they feel the games are not quite important enough, is anyone’s guess. Schedules of major international events like cycling world championships, tennis masters series and athletic events clash with the CWG.

The tennis team of India is also threatening to pull out because of unpaid dues. Said Mahesh Bhupathi, ‘I’ve been sending taxi and hotel bills for reimbursement but I’ve so far not got anything.’ The All India Tennis Association (AITA) says that it has forwarded the claims to the ministry and asked them to pay $115 in compensation per say. When contacted, the ministry officials say that since the players did not use the ‘fasttrack’ services, they would not be reimbursed.

Meanwhile, unlike she stated on this show last week, Stephanie Rice has indeed decided to undergo shoulder surgery and will miss the CWG. When asked about her fondness for basmati that she gave as a reason for wanting to come to India, she had a one word reply this time as well: ‘Import’.

Mr. Suresh Kalmadi was asked what he felt about this latest fiasco. He brushed it off and said that it didn’t bother him too much. ‘So what if these stars are not coming? We have plenty of stars. In October, the Delhi skies are very clear and we can get to see a lot of stars. Not only stars, constellations as well. And during the day, the brightest star, the sun, is also very much visible. So it’s not a problem at all.’ Clearly, Mr.Kalmadi has a very firm grasp on the situation, and indeed a sound knowledge of astronomy.

 

Tiger Woods gets divorced
Tiger Woods, after months of scam and speculation, finally laid to rest the entire philandering saga by signing on the dotted line and getting divorced from Elin Nordegen. The divorce finally went through on Monday. After the divorce, Elin spoke out for the first time and said, ’I felt like my whole world had fallen apart. I loved him. We had so much fun and I felt safe with him.’ She felt safe with him and now we have learned that she has ordered a state-of-the-art safe to store the proceeds from the divorce. The divorce settlement is rumored to be in the region of $100 million USD.

Tiger Woods, when interviewed, said that he was saddened by the entire ordeal. When asked what his immediate plan was, he smiled hopefully and said, ‘birdies.’ We assume he meant the golfing kind.

 

Wasim Akram
The Pakistani fast bowling great, Wasim Akram was caught up in a row with Indian skipper, M.S.Dhoni over his comments about Indian fast bowlers being ‘softies.’ He was referring to the bowlers not being fit enough. M.S.Dhoni apparently heard only half of this and launched into a strong defence of his bowlers. ‘We are not softies’, he said. ‘If anything, we are more of a team of Frostiks and Cornettos. There are even some of these players who have grown up loving Max Fun Orange and Fun Joos but to call us softies is preposterous.’

When Wasim Akram clarified that he was indeed talking about the fitness of the bowlers, Dhoni retracted his criticism and said that he had spoken in the heat of the moment. ‘You know, when we speak in the heat of the moment, we say things that we don’t really mean.’ He even joked, ‘In the heat of the moment, the softie is most likely going to melt.’ ‘But in all seriousness’, he continued, ‘ even our bowlers are not softies. We may have the occasional Sundae on our Sunday off but not a softie by any means.’

 

That’s it from this week’s bulletin. We hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, its good bye from us …